Title: Singleness (Part 4)
Meta: How do I think about singleness? It's a very fair question because many people are single. And God sometimes has people in singleness for extended period of times or repeated times through divorce or widowhood. And so it is a very fair question. How do I think biblically about being a single person?
Tags: ryan,fullerton,marriage,biblical,relationship,courtship,dating,guy,girl,Corinthians,self,control

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1 Corinthians 7

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It is a great joy to be with you all again tonight.

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It's been tremendous fellowship so far this week.

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And I just know what it's like at my home church

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when I announce I'm preaching on singleness.

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It's sort of a "you better."

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Please do.

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We need guidance. We need help.

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And there's a lot of heartbreak

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associated with singleness.

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There's a lot of hope

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as people hope to get married -

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associated with singleness.

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And as I've been thinking about

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this message this evening,

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I guess I'd just like to preface it with one thing.

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My greatest hope, whether the Lord

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leaves you single for 70 years,

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or whether He brings you into a marriage tomorrow;

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whether you're widowed and left single tomorrow;

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is as we think through some of these principles,

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they would all be seen

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as principles that are meant to

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lead us into fellowship with God

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and to walking more intimately with God.

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I think of the hymn:

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"When we walk with the Lord

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in the light of His Word,

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what a glory He sheds on the way!"

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And so anything we're learning

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about how to walk before the Lord

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is really not just so we can follow some rule,

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but we're seeking to follow a path

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where He meets with us

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and where He walks with us

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and communes with us

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as we walk with a clear conscience,

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and we walk in fellowship with Him

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and the blood of Jesus Christ cleansing us

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from all unrighteousness.

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So let me read a few verses.

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I will be really handling verses

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from all over the Bible.

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I'll be handling this very topically.

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But I do want to begin with a few verses

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from 1 Corinthians 7.

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And I'm going to read 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

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I'm also very glad we're doing question and answer tonight

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because the nature of this kind of talk

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is that you cannot possibly cover

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every single extenuating circumstance

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in different relationships

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and different situations people might be in.

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So I'm eager to spend a little time with you

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in Q&A after the message itself.

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1 Corinthians 7:1

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"Now concerning the matters about which you wrote:

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'It is good for a man

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not to have sexual relations with a woman.'

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But because of the temptation to sexual immorality,

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each man should have his own wife,

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and each woman her own husband.

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The husband should give to his wife

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her conjugal rights,

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and likewise, the wife to her husband.

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For the wife does not have authority

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over her own body, but the husband does.

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Likewise, the husband does not have authority

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over his own body, but the wife does.

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Do not deprive one another

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except perhaps by agreement

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for a limited time,

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that you may devote yourselves to prayer,

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but then come together again

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so that Satan may not tempt you

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because of your lack of self-control.

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Now, as a concession, not a command,

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I say this.

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I wish that all were as I myself am,

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but each has his own gift from God.

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One of one kind,

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and one of another.

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To the unmarried and the widows,

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I say that it is good for them

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to remain single as I am.

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But if they cannot exercise self-control,

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they should marry.

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For it is better to marry

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than to burn with passion."

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Let's pray.

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Father, we come before You humbly,

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in great need of Your help,

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in great need of Your leadership

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and Your guidance;

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in great need of You to provide power

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and attentiveness from on high;

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of great need of You to dig out ears for us;

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of great need for You to produce

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the receptivity to Your Word;

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of great need for You to guard my mouth

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and to guard my tongue

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so that I might not sin against You;

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of great need for power;

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of great need for illumination

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that there might be

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a Spirit of wisdom and of revelation

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in the knowledge of You

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as I speak, Lord God.

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We're in great need

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that we might not be overcome

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by the tiredness of a weekend of meetings

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and now it's Monday and we're tired,

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and the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

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Lord, we're in great need of You

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to give us supernatural understanding

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and alertness in hearts.

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Lord, we're in great need of You,

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but Lord, You promised You

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would lead us in paths of righteousness

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for Your name's sake.

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Lord God, You promised that the sheep

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would hear Your voice

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and they would follow You.

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Lord God, You promised that if we ask

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for Your Holy Spirit, You would give Him to us.

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And so Lord, we know You won't be unfaithful.

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We thank You for that.

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What a thing it is to bank on Your Word!

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To live by faith; not by feelings.

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And to wait on You.

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We love You! We love You, Lord.

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And we wait for Your power and Your help.

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We pray for it in Jesus' name.

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Amen.

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Now, we've seen in the last number of meetings

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that we started by just asking-

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as we're thinking about biblical manhood

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and biblical womanhood,

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we started by asking just who are we?

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Before we even think about our genders,

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we need to think about who we are,

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and the answer we came back with

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was that we are made in the image of God.

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Made to reflect God.

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Made to glorify God.

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Made like God in that we have minds

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and creativity, and we have the ability

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to discern right and wrong.

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And we saw that not only are we made like God,

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but men and women are equally made

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in the image of God.

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And so there's a complete equality

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between the sexes.

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We saw furthermore that God

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made us different in roles,

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even though we were made

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in the image of God,

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we were both given different roles.

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He was given the role to lead.

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And she, in the context of marriage

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and many other situations too, help.

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And then we saw that the curse

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that God put on us when we fell

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affects those roles.

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It's makes submission difficult.

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It makes leading without harshness difficult.

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And then we, praise the Lord, saw

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that when the Lord Jesus redeems us;

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when we repent of our sins

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and trust in Jesus,

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and He gives us His Holy Spirit,

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He begins to actually work on those very things.

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He begins to redeem us in those very areas.

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And so, praise the Lord, the very things

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that trouble us most

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are the things that He gives attention to.

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Then, we started to ask,

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well, what is a man?

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Ok, so if we're going to talk about biblical manhood

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and biblical womanhood, what is a man?

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The Scriptures sometimes say,

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"act like men."

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Or David says to Solomon,

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"prove yourself to be a man."

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So there's something called manhood.

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And we saw that a biblical man is a lord.

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We saw that he is a husbandman -

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someone who cares for and nurtures

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and shepherds.

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He is someone who is to be like his Savior;

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someone who loves to pull people out of difficulties

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and care for them and save them, if you will.

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We saw that a biblical man is

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to grow up to be a sage;

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to come out of the folly of childhood

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and to grow up and to be savvy man

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who knows where things are going

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before they go there,

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because he's been informed by God's Word

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and he has wisdom from God's Word.

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And then finally, we saw that a biblical man

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is the very glory of God - 1 Corinthians 11.

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He glorifies God and has been made

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to glorify God.

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And then we asked what is a biblical woman?

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And we looked at it and said,

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well, first of all, she is made as a helper.

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She's a helper like opposite unto him.

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She's a helper who contrasts

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and is compatible and is really complementary to him.

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And we saw that she is a helper

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in that she is a companion

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in the way that the animals could never be.

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She is the queen of the domestic domain

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who also exercises dominion over the earth

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but in a particular domain

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that the Lord has given her.

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And we saw from Proverbs 31

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that it's as demanding as any task,

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any human could ever be assigned

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to be the queen of the domestic domain.

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It's a mighty kingdom she's been given.

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And then we saw that they are partners

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in passion and pleasure.

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And finally, mothers and nurturers.

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And it's interesting isn't it?

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We live in a generation

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where just to say that a woman

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is called to be a mother and a nurturer

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is radical.

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It takes almost nothing to be radical

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in this generation.

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To say the simplest, biblical truths.

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And that just underscores the depth

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of Satan's attack on the truth in our day.

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That just to read the simplest verses of Scripture,

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are utterly foreign to the way

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that we naturally think.

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Well, so far, and someone pointed this out to me

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yesterday after the sermon -

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are you going to say anything to singles?

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And the anwer is yes.

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But I have to admit,

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I make no apologies for making

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most of my applications to married people.

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And I make no apologies

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because it's exactly what the New Testament does.

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When the New Testament says,

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"be filled with the Spirit," in Ephesians 5:18,

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what does it then do?

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It works out to being filled with the Spirit in which context?

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Wives submitting to their husbands.

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Husbands loving their wives.

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Children obeying their parents.

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Parents training their children.

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Slaves obeying their masters.

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It basically says, listen, be filled with the Spirit

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and work this out in marriage,

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work this out in parenthood, work this out in being a child,

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and work this out at work.

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And someone will always say,

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but I don't have a job. I know, but most people do.

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And someone will say, well, I'm not married.

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I know, but most people do

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and parchment is limited.

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And so the New Testament writers

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regularly addressed the broadest categories.

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We see this in 1 Peter.

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Peter does not address every exception,

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00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,932
but he addresses those who are working;

271
00:10:56,932 --> 00:10:58,549
he addresses those who married.

272
00:10:58,549 --> 00:11:00,819
We see this in Colossians 3:16.

273
00:11:00,819 --> 00:11:03,246
"Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly."

274
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,688
How do I work that out, Paul?

275
00:11:04,688 --> 00:11:06,172
Wives submit to your husbands.

276
00:11:06,172 --> 00:11:07,407
Husbands love your wives.

277
00:11:07,407 --> 00:11:09,025
Slaves obey your masters.

278
00:11:09,025 --> 00:11:10,456
Fathers train your children.

279
00:11:10,456 --> 00:11:12,020
Children obey your parents.

280
00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:13,722
It's this common set

281
00:11:13,722 --> 00:11:17,939
of what the most basic relationships in life are.

282
00:11:17,939 --> 00:11:19,851
And so I make no apologies

283
00:11:19,851 --> 00:11:24,233
for not always dealing with the exceptions.

284
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:27,458
And yet, praise God,

285
00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:29,300
for those who feel neglected,

286
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:33,295
there are different portions of the Scriptures

287
00:11:33,295 --> 00:11:37,190
where the Holy Spirit inspired the writers

288
00:11:37,190 --> 00:11:40,863
to go in there and dig into the exceptions

289
00:11:40,863 --> 00:11:43,126
and into the situations that people

290
00:11:43,126 --> 00:11:44,990
have questions about

291
00:11:44,990 --> 00:11:46,415
that are outside of the norm.

292
00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,294
And so often people feel very alienated

293
00:11:48,294 --> 00:11:49,182
in the church.

294
00:11:49,182 --> 00:11:50,678
If they're one of those people

295
00:11:50,678 --> 00:11:52,474
without a job or who aren't married

296
00:11:52,474 --> 00:11:54,249
or who aren't able to have children.

297
00:11:54,249 --> 00:11:56,453
And you need to know there are portions

298
00:11:56,453 --> 00:11:58,151
where the Holy Spirit made sure

299
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:01,120
there were words that would address you

300
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,912
in those circumstances

301
00:12:02,912 --> 00:12:04,747
and He leaves no child of God -

302
00:12:04,747 --> 00:12:07,721
there is no circumstance

303
00:12:07,721 --> 00:12:11,144
you can find yourself in in life

304
00:12:11,144 --> 00:12:14,058
where God has not inspired a word to speak to you

305
00:12:14,058 --> 00:12:14,920
in the Bible.

306
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,515
There isn't one.

307
00:12:16,515 --> 00:12:18,394
His light is a lamp unto our feet

308
00:12:18,394 --> 00:12:21,200
no matter where our feet go.

309
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,351
And that's a very encouraging thing.

310
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:25,593
So the question is tonight,

311
00:12:25,593 --> 00:12:30,561
how do I think about singleness?

312
00:12:30,561 --> 00:12:33,508
How do I think about singleness?

313
00:12:33,508 --> 00:12:35,826
It's a very fair question

314
00:12:35,826 --> 00:12:38,244
because many people are single.

315
00:12:38,244 --> 00:12:40,976
And God sometimes has people in singleness

316
00:12:40,976 --> 00:12:42,773
for extended period of times

317
00:12:42,773 --> 00:12:45,100
or repeated times through divorce

318
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,198
or widowhood.

319
00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:47,893
And so it is a very fair question.

320
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,557
How do I think biblically about

321
00:12:50,557 --> 00:12:53,597
being a single person?

322
00:12:53,597 --> 00:12:56,127
And then the question that is the next

323
00:12:56,127 --> 00:12:57,245
on many people's minds

324
00:12:57,245 --> 00:12:58,859
when they begin to think of this:

325
00:12:58,859 --> 00:13:02,100
And if I want to, how do I move towards marriage?

326
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,041
How do I move towards marriage

327
00:13:04,041 --> 00:13:06,977
if I'm single now?

328
00:13:06,977 --> 00:13:09,512
And the first principle I want to lay out

329
00:13:09,512 --> 00:13:11,450
when it comes to singleness

330
00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:14,608
is some people have a gift for it.

331
00:13:14,608 --> 00:13:18,170
Some people have a gift for it.

332
00:13:18,170 --> 00:13:23,092
Please look at 1 Corinthians 7:6.

333
00:13:23,092 --> 00:13:27,084
Paul says, "Now as a concession,

334
00:13:27,084 --> 00:13:28,919
not a command, I say this."

335
00:13:28,919 --> 00:13:30,553
And I believe he's referring to

336
00:13:30,553 --> 00:13:33,384
what he referred to in chapter 7:1-5.

337
00:13:33,384 --> 00:13:35,230
He told people that they generally

338
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,552
ought to get married

339
00:13:36,552 --> 00:13:38,816
because of the great sexual immorality

340
00:13:38,816 --> 00:13:41,096
and temptation of the culture they were in.

341
00:13:41,096 --> 00:13:42,574
He says generally, each man

342
00:13:42,574 --> 00:13:43,714
ought to have a wife.

343
00:13:43,714 --> 00:13:46,705
But he says, but, I want you to know, I'm saying this whole thing -

344
00:13:46,705 --> 00:13:48,070
that you should get a wife -

345
00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:49,736
I'm saying this as a concession,

346
00:13:49,736 --> 00:13:50,966
not a command.

347
00:13:50,966 --> 00:13:55,167
I wish that all were as I myself am.

348
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,869
Well, how was he?

349
00:13:56,869 --> 00:13:58,488
Well, v. 8 tells us:

350
00:13:58,488 --> 00:14:00,417
"To the unmarried and the widow I say

351
00:14:00,417 --> 00:14:02,566
that it is good for them to remain single

352
00:14:02,566 --> 00:14:03,475
as I am."

353
00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:05,115
So Paul was single.

354
00:14:05,115 --> 00:14:06,627
And you need to realize this.

355
00:14:06,627 --> 00:14:08,212
Here is the Apostle Paul,

356
00:14:08,212 --> 00:14:11,012
who's been given this Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ

357
00:14:11,012 --> 00:14:13,562
in the first generation after the Holy Spirit

358
00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:14,688
has been poured out.

359
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,231
He wants to see this Gospel spread out

360
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,210
over the entire planet.

361
00:14:19,210 --> 00:14:20,226
And what he says is,

362
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:22,550
oh, if I could get an army of single people!

363
00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:24,721
If I could get an army of people

364
00:14:24,721 --> 00:14:25,755
who were not married;

365
00:14:25,755 --> 00:14:27,698
who could stay up till 4 in the morning

366
00:14:27,698 --> 00:14:29,835
ministering the Gospel and then get up early

367
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:30,882
and do it again.

368
00:14:30,882 --> 00:14:32,587
If I could get that kind of army -

369
00:14:32,587 --> 00:14:34,432
the kind of army who weren't worried

370
00:14:34,432 --> 00:14:36,479
about their wives dying in persecution

371
00:14:36,479 --> 00:14:38,402
and their children dying of persecution;

372
00:14:38,402 --> 00:14:40,007
if I could get that kind of army

373
00:14:40,007 --> 00:14:41,283
with that kind of liberty,

374
00:14:41,283 --> 00:14:46,194
I would have more of them.

375
00:14:46,194 --> 00:14:49,799
And this is an important verse

376
00:14:49,799 --> 00:14:52,406
because sadly in the church,

377
00:14:52,406 --> 00:14:56,034
we have made singles the second class citizens

378
00:14:56,034 --> 00:15:00,548
when they were actually Paul's preference.

379
00:15:00,548 --> 00:15:02,958
We have preferred marriage

380
00:15:02,958 --> 00:15:06,125
and exalted marriage so high

381
00:15:06,125 --> 00:15:09,346
that what I find is when I read commentators on this verse,

382
00:15:09,346 --> 00:15:11,218
that they're constantly telling you

383
00:15:11,218 --> 00:15:14,463
how Paul doesn't mean that singleness is better.

384
00:15:14,463 --> 00:15:21,748
The problem is that Paul keeps telling you singleness is better.

385
00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:25,635
V. 38 "So then..."

386
00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:27,287
He's speaking to a bethothed man

387
00:15:27,287 --> 00:15:29,512
who's on the edge of getting married.

388
00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:30,896
And he says, "so then,

389
00:15:30,896 --> 00:15:35,817
he who marries his betrothed, does well,

390
00:15:35,817 --> 00:15:38,918
and he who refrains from marriage

391
00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:40,150
will do..."

392
00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:42,023
I don't know what that verse means.

393
00:15:42,023 --> 00:15:43,766
It must not be translated that way,

394
00:15:43,766 --> 00:15:46,276
but in my Bible, it's translated,

395
00:15:46,276 --> 00:15:48,909
"...will do even better."

396
00:15:48,909 --> 00:15:50,830
Now, when we say, "better," -

397
00:15:50,830 --> 00:15:53,236
and again we have to get used to this in the Christian life -

398
00:15:53,236 --> 00:15:54,796
isn't it amazing, over and over,

399
00:15:54,796 --> 00:15:57,157
God says things are equal and different.

400
00:15:57,157 --> 00:16:00,066
Men and women are equal and different.

401
00:16:00,066 --> 00:16:03,551
Single people and married people are equal.

402
00:16:03,551 --> 00:16:05,017
They're both in Christ.

403
00:16:05,017 --> 00:16:06,718
They both have the Spirit.

404
00:16:06,718 --> 00:16:08,454
They're both children of God.

405
00:16:08,454 --> 00:16:10,187
And yet, they're different.

406
00:16:10,187 --> 00:16:12,377
And one is better than the other

407
00:16:12,377 --> 00:16:14,766
for certain things.

408
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:16,578
For certain things.

409
00:16:16,578 --> 00:16:19,191
Look at v. 32.

410
00:16:19,191 --> 00:16:22,578
Here is how singleness is better.

411
00:16:22,578 --> 00:16:25,853
"I want you to be free from anxieties.

412
00:16:25,853 --> 00:16:28,091
The unmarried man is anxious

413
00:16:28,091 --> 00:16:29,710
about the things of the Lord,

414
00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:31,536
how to please the Lord.

415
00:16:31,536 --> 00:16:33,460
But the married man is anxious

416
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,827
about worldly things,

417
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,425
how to please his wife."

418
00:16:36,425 --> 00:16:38,620
And when Paul uses the term "worldly things"

419
00:16:38,620 --> 00:16:40,562
in this context, I don't think he means

420
00:16:40,562 --> 00:16:42,163
worldly as in sinful.

421
00:16:42,163 --> 00:16:44,100
I think he simply means worldly

422
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,684
as in the things of this world -

423
00:16:45,684 --> 00:16:48,181
the difficulties and the paying the bills

424
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:50,186
and the getting the house straightened up

425
00:16:50,186 --> 00:16:51,758
for the wife and the kids

426
00:16:51,758 --> 00:16:54,049
and the caring for the daily life

427
00:16:54,049 --> 00:16:56,110
that a married man or a married woman

428
00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:57,371
must take care of.

429
00:16:57,371 --> 00:17:01,595
And he says, "and his interests are divided.

430
00:17:01,595 --> 00:17:03,548
And the unmarried or betrothed woman

431
00:17:03,548 --> 00:17:05,449
is anxious about the things of the Lord,

432
00:17:05,449 --> 00:17:07,546
how to be holy in body and spirit,

433
00:17:07,546 --> 00:17:09,388
but the married woman is anxious

434
00:17:09,388 --> 00:17:10,693
about worldly things,

435
00:17:10,693 --> 00:17:12,215
how to please her husband.

436
00:17:12,215 --> 00:17:13,876
I say this for your own benefit,

437
00:17:13,876 --> 00:17:16,182
not to lay any restraint upon you,

438
00:17:16,182 --> 00:17:17,877
but to promote good order

439
00:17:17,877 --> 00:17:20,179
and to secure your undivided devotion

440
00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:21,435
to the Lord."

441
00:17:21,435 --> 00:17:23,798
So, we come along and we tell people,

442
00:17:23,798 --> 00:17:25,555
marriage is Christ and the church.

443
00:17:25,555 --> 00:17:26,876
And it is.

444
00:17:26,876 --> 00:17:28,224
And it's a glorious thing.

445
00:17:28,224 --> 00:17:29,979
And it will satisfy all your desires

446
00:17:29,979 --> 00:17:31,690
and you'll be sexually satisfied.

447
00:17:31,690 --> 00:17:33,384
You'll be relationally satisfied.

448
00:17:33,384 --> 00:17:35,053
Marriage is such a glorious thing.

449
00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:37,266
And it is. I'm happily married.

450
00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:38,980
Wouldn't trade it for the world.

451
00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:40,559
Love being married to my wife.

452
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,930
But the simple fact is the Holy Spirit

453
00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:44,548
inspired the Apostle Paul

454
00:17:44,548 --> 00:17:46,189
to warn us ahead of time:

455
00:17:46,189 --> 00:17:48,724
it's not just a cake walk.

456
00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:50,058
It's not a bed of roses.

457
00:17:50,058 --> 00:17:51,469
There's lots of trouble.

458
00:17:51,469 --> 00:17:54,141
Lots of anxieties in marriage,

459
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:57,822
even among the most compatible people

460
00:17:57,822 --> 00:18:00,181
on the planet.

461
00:18:00,181 --> 00:18:02,566
When I was a single man,

462
00:18:02,566 --> 00:18:05,222
I was a student minister at a church in Toronto.

463
00:18:05,222 --> 00:18:08,264
Friday night I went out to teach a Bible study or something.

464
00:18:08,264 --> 00:18:10,285
Stayed out late ministering to people.

465
00:18:10,285 --> 00:18:11,293
Loving people.

466
00:18:11,293 --> 00:18:12,889
Teaching the Word of God.

467
00:18:12,889 --> 00:18:15,030
Saturday - woke up, got up,

468
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:17,525
if I didn't get up till 10 it didn't matter.

469
00:18:17,525 --> 00:18:19,430
I could do my devotions till noon.

470
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:22,330
And then I got out and I taught the Bible at night,

471
00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:24,013
spent some time out with people.

472
00:18:24,013 --> 00:18:25,573
Sunday morning went to church,

473
00:18:25,573 --> 00:18:26,679
ministered to people.

474
00:18:26,679 --> 00:18:29,308
Sunday afternoon, had lunch with people,

475
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:31,251
encouraged them, strengthened them.

476
00:18:31,251 --> 00:18:33,403
Sunday night, went to church again.

477
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:35,405
Maybe met with some people after church.

478
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,838
I got on the bus in downtown Toronto

479
00:18:37,838 --> 00:18:41,167
to go back up to the dorms where I was living.

480
00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:43,670
and I fell asleep on the bus.

481
00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:45,327
And the bus driver woke me up

482
00:18:45,327 --> 00:18:47,596
at the end of the line.

483
00:18:47,596 --> 00:18:49,226
You know what I thought of that?

484
00:18:49,226 --> 00:18:51,516
I didn't care. I just got on the other bus

485
00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:53,794
and went back home and went to bed.

486
00:18:53,794 --> 00:18:56,039
You run that by your wife a few times

487
00:18:56,039 --> 00:18:58,884
and see how that works.

488
00:18:58,884 --> 00:19:00,645
There is simply a difference between

489
00:19:00,645 --> 00:19:02,626
being a married man and a single man.

490
00:19:02,626 --> 00:19:03,986
And if you're a married man,

491
00:19:03,986 --> 00:19:05,389
this is what happens to many

492
00:19:05,389 --> 00:19:07,292
radical-for-Jesus single men,

493
00:19:07,292 --> 00:19:09,885
they get married and they refuse to embrace

494
00:19:09,885 --> 00:19:12,232
the limitations that Paul says will come to them

495
00:19:12,232 --> 00:19:13,290
in marriage.

496
00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:15,095
And you need to embrace them.

497
00:19:15,095 --> 00:19:16,945
If you've chosen the gift of marriage;

498
00:19:16,945 --> 00:19:19,277
if you've not been given the gift of self-control

499
00:19:19,277 --> 00:19:20,486
that leads to singleness,

500
00:19:20,486 --> 00:19:21,599
and you get married,

501
00:19:21,599 --> 00:19:23,443
then you have been given a great gift,

502
00:19:23,443 --> 00:19:25,935
but a gift with some limitations

503
00:19:25,935 --> 00:19:27,632
and you need to embrace them

504
00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:29,845
and not fight them.

505
00:19:29,845 --> 00:19:31,972
"Honey, I like to go to bed at 8:00."

506
00:19:31,972 --> 00:19:36,133
Whoa.

507
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:39,315
"And I want to go to bed with you at 8:00."

508
00:19:39,315 --> 00:19:43,079
How am I going to please the Lord and my wife?

509
00:19:43,079 --> 00:19:44,745
Well, that's the struggle you're in

510
00:19:44,745 --> 00:19:49,585
from now until death-do-you-part.

511
00:19:49,585 --> 00:19:52,716
And we need to be extremely realistic

512
00:19:52,716 --> 00:19:56,771
about the blessings and the difficulties

513
00:19:56,771 --> 00:19:59,016
of married life.

514
00:19:59,016 --> 00:20:00,565
And we need to realize that Paul

515
00:20:00,565 --> 00:20:04,565
would wish that more people would be single.

516
00:20:04,565 --> 00:20:06,063
Now then the question is:

517
00:20:06,063 --> 00:20:08,835
well, how do I know if I have the gift?

518
00:20:08,835 --> 00:20:10,338
And I want to be very clear.

519
00:20:10,338 --> 00:20:12,024
I want to make a distinction here.

520
00:20:12,024 --> 00:20:16,344
There is so such thing as the gift of singleness.

521
00:20:16,344 --> 00:20:18,688
When Paul talks about singleness,

522
00:20:18,688 --> 00:20:23,100
he talks about the gift of self-control.

523
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:25,933
If you have the gift of self-control,

524
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,631
then you can be single.

525
00:20:28,631 --> 00:20:30,909
Let me show you that.

526
00:20:30,909 --> 00:20:33,848
"Now as a concession, not a command,

527
00:20:33,848 --> 00:20:39,870
I say this: I wish that all were as I myself am,

528
00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:43,583
but each has his own gift from God,

529
00:20:43,583 --> 00:20:45,731
one of one kind, one of the other."

530
00:20:45,731 --> 00:20:48,927
So, both marriage and the gift of self-control

531
00:20:48,927 --> 00:20:50,688
are gifts from God.

532
00:20:50,688 --> 00:20:52,268
"To the unmarried and the widow,

533
00:20:52,268 --> 00:20:55,010
I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am."

534
00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:56,150
But how do you decide?

535
00:20:56,150 --> 00:20:58,724
How do you decide if you're going to remain single?

536
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:02,947
"But if they cannot exercise self-control,

537
00:21:02,947 --> 00:21:04,541
they should marry.

538
00:21:04,541 --> 00:21:06,705
For it is better to marry

539
00:21:06,705 --> 00:21:09,060
than to burn with passion."

540
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:10,800
Now, the gift of singleness causes

541
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,185
great confusion in many Christians.

542
00:21:13,185 --> 00:21:14,814
People are torn up about it.

543
00:21:14,814 --> 00:21:15,877
They pray about it.

544
00:21:15,877 --> 00:21:17,572
And among many people,

545
00:21:17,572 --> 00:21:19,908
it's sort of the gift that nobody wants.

546
00:21:19,908 --> 00:21:23,694
It's like, "Oh, Lord, do I have the gift of singleness?"

547
00:21:23,694 --> 00:21:26,094
And among others, there have been times -

548
00:21:26,094 --> 00:21:28,162
I know I've had these times in my life

549
00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:31,328
where it seemed very wonderful to be single

550
00:21:31,328 --> 00:21:33,706
and to give yourself to a life of single-minded

551
00:21:33,706 --> 00:21:36,840
devotion to the Lord.

552
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,283
But the way you make that discernment

553
00:21:39,283 --> 00:21:43,576
is by asking: do I have the self-control

554
00:21:43,576 --> 00:21:46,148
to remain single?

555
00:21:46,148 --> 00:21:48,462
If you find it just a constant nagging

556
00:21:48,462 --> 00:21:52,008
raging desire in your heart -

557
00:21:52,008 --> 00:21:53,535
and there may be even a tendency

558
00:21:53,535 --> 00:21:55,240
to fall and stumble,

559
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,348
that is not a situation where you should

560
00:21:57,348 --> 00:22:00,388
just keep in that place forever.

561
00:22:00,388 --> 00:22:03,052
But rather you should pursue marriage.

562
00:22:03,052 --> 00:22:04,474
Let me show you another verse

563
00:22:04,474 --> 00:22:07,135
that sort of lines up with this.

564
00:22:07,135 --> 00:22:11,571
It says in v. 37,

565
00:22:11,571 --> 00:22:14,553
"whoever is firmly established in his heart,

566
00:22:14,553 --> 00:22:16,856
being under no necessity,

567
00:22:16,856 --> 00:22:19,978
but having his desire under control,

568
00:22:19,978 --> 00:22:21,778
and has determined in his own heart

569
00:22:21,778 --> 00:22:23,566
to keep her as his betrothed,

570
00:22:23,566 --> 00:22:24,900
he will do well."

571
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:27,698
Notice the person who can not marry -

572
00:22:27,698 --> 00:22:29,663
it's the person who has his desire

573
00:22:29,663 --> 00:22:32,924
firmly under control.

574
00:22:32,924 --> 00:22:35,401
It's the person who can avoid

575
00:22:35,401 --> 00:22:37,842
a falling into sexual sin.

576
00:22:37,842 --> 00:22:40,001
And so the first thing that

577
00:22:40,001 --> 00:22:41,538
you need to understand is,

578
00:22:41,538 --> 00:22:43,919
when we talk about the gift

579
00:22:43,919 --> 00:22:45,769
of self-control,

580
00:22:45,769 --> 00:22:47,681
it's not a gift that someone

581
00:22:47,681 --> 00:22:49,879
really, really doesn't want

582
00:22:49,879 --> 00:22:52,615
that they've had forced upon them.

583
00:22:52,615 --> 00:22:54,448
But it's more like this:

584
00:22:54,448 --> 00:22:57,315
It's more - I'd love to serve the Lord Jesus Christ.

585
00:22:57,315 --> 00:22:59,620
I'd love to give Him my undivided devotion.

586
00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:02,286
And I think I can put away the joys of marriage

587
00:23:02,286 --> 00:23:05,847
and I think I can restrain the temptations

588
00:23:05,847 --> 00:23:08,548
that might be alleviated in marriage.

589
00:23:08,548 --> 00:23:10,442
And so I can go all out for Jesus

590
00:23:10,442 --> 00:23:12,138
in singleness.

591
00:23:12,138 --> 00:23:13,532
Now notice it doesn't say

592
00:23:13,532 --> 00:23:15,037
that the person who is single

593
00:23:15,037 --> 00:23:18,682
has no sexual desires.

594
00:23:18,682 --> 00:23:20,180
It just says in v. 9

595
00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:22,875
that they can exercise self-control

596
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:24,533
over those desires,

597
00:23:24,533 --> 00:23:28,460
so that they do not need to marry.

598
00:23:28,460 --> 00:23:30,934
And so let me just say this to you.

599
00:23:30,934 --> 00:23:34,203
And I know a number of people like this.

600
00:23:34,203 --> 00:23:36,792
If you're someone who has a heart

601
00:23:36,792 --> 00:23:38,256
to build the kingdom of God -

602
00:23:38,256 --> 00:23:40,037
visiting widows, visiting orphans,

603
00:23:40,037 --> 00:23:41,314
sharing the Gospel,

604
00:23:41,314 --> 00:23:43,774
ministering to people through the Word of God -

605
00:23:43,774 --> 00:23:45,774
if you've got a heart to do those things

606
00:23:45,774 --> 00:23:49,921
with as much time as you possibly can,

607
00:23:49,921 --> 00:23:51,794
and God by His grace has given you

608
00:23:51,794 --> 00:23:56,384
self-control over your sexual desires,

609
00:23:56,384 --> 00:23:58,183
you need to realize that you are not

610
00:23:58,183 --> 00:24:01,044
being called into some second class citizenship

611
00:24:01,044 --> 00:24:02,550
in the kingdom of God,

612
00:24:02,550 --> 00:24:04,541
but you may indeed be receiving

613
00:24:04,541 --> 00:24:06,733
a great gift of self-control

614
00:24:06,733 --> 00:24:09,910
to use your singleness in the church

615
00:24:09,910 --> 00:24:12,809
for as long as you desire really.

616
00:24:12,809 --> 00:24:15,438
And there's no sin if you get married later on.

617
00:24:15,438 --> 00:24:17,822
Because Paul is abundantly clear throughout this passage,

618
00:24:17,822 --> 00:24:19,728
if they get married, there is no sin.

619
00:24:19,728 --> 00:24:21,886
And it's very hard for some of us to deal with

620
00:24:21,886 --> 00:24:24,476
because everything's a sin/ righteousness issue in our minds.

621
00:24:24,476 --> 00:24:27,030
But the Apostle Paul makes it very clear

622
00:24:27,030 --> 00:24:28,963
if you get married or you don't get married,

623
00:24:28,963 --> 00:24:31,331
it's not a sin or not a sin issue.

624
00:24:31,331 --> 00:24:33,293
And so no one ought to be sitting here

625
00:24:33,293 --> 00:24:35,072
going, "oh! Maybe I'm about to sin!"

626
00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:36,710
No, if you choose to get married,

627
00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:38,705
you have not sinned.

628
00:24:38,705 --> 00:24:41,483
But if you have your desires under control

629
00:24:41,483 --> 00:24:44,116
and want to move forward in singleness,

630
00:24:44,116 --> 00:24:47,162
that can be an amazing gift.

631
00:24:47,162 --> 00:24:48,457
And so that means something

632
00:24:48,457 --> 00:24:50,102
to the married folks here too.

633
00:24:50,102 --> 00:24:52,595
It means that we don't treat every single person

634
00:24:52,595 --> 00:24:55,230
like something's wrong with them.

635
00:24:55,230 --> 00:24:56,565
And we don't always ask:

636
00:24:56,565 --> 00:24:59,591
"What's a pretty girl like you still doing single?"

637
00:24:59,591 --> 00:25:02,234
"What's wrong with all the guys out there?"

638
00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:04,740
We need to get rid of that idea.

639
00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:06,391
And we need to thank God

640
00:25:06,391 --> 00:25:08,212
that He's called many, many people -

641
00:25:08,212 --> 00:25:10,792
and we need to have the heart of the Apostle Paul:

642
00:25:10,792 --> 00:25:14,279
"Oh, that You might even grant more."

643
00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:16,356
And my experience is that in the church,

644
00:25:16,356 --> 00:25:19,156
it's very easy for bitternesses to develop.

645
00:25:19,156 --> 00:25:20,543
The single people are like,

646
00:25:20,543 --> 00:25:22,741
"why are those married people at home so often

647
00:25:22,741 --> 00:25:24,512
taking care of those kids all the time?

648
00:25:24,512 --> 00:25:26,613
They've got to be living radical for Jesus."

649
00:25:26,613 --> 00:25:28,052
And the married people are like,

650
00:25:28,052 --> 00:25:29,347
"all those single people with their

651
00:25:29,347 --> 00:25:32,333
idealistic views of living radical for Jesus."

652
00:25:32,333 --> 00:25:33,886
Well, instead, there ought to be

653
00:25:33,886 --> 00:25:35,621
a mutual appreciation

654
00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:37,368
between the married and the single.

655
00:25:37,368 --> 00:25:39,083
I praise God that that married couple

656
00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:41,364
is at home right now training their children,

657
00:25:41,364 --> 00:25:43,188
reflecting Christ and the church.

658
00:25:43,188 --> 00:25:44,791
They have their own struggles

659
00:25:44,791 --> 00:25:46,128
and I praise God for them.

660
00:25:46,128 --> 00:25:47,876
And the married people are like,

661
00:25:47,876 --> 00:25:49,447
man, I love those single people

662
00:25:49,447 --> 00:25:51,528
that have the freedom and the liberty

663
00:25:51,528 --> 00:25:53,314
to take care of them.

664
00:25:53,314 --> 00:25:54,766
And I say this to our church -

665
00:25:54,766 --> 00:25:56,439
I don't know if this is applicable here,

666
00:25:56,439 --> 00:25:58,205
but the gift of singleness is not just

667
00:25:58,205 --> 00:26:00,738
so the married people can have free babysitting.

668
00:26:00,738 --> 00:26:03,642
It's not just so they can serve you.

669
00:26:03,642 --> 00:26:05,643
And we need to be extremely careful

670
00:26:05,643 --> 00:26:08,081
that we don't think that just because someone is single,

671
00:26:08,081 --> 00:26:10,496
well, that means they have all the free time in the world

672
00:26:10,496 --> 00:26:11,864
to take care of the needs

673
00:26:11,864 --> 00:26:15,605
that might pop into my mind at any given moment.

674
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:19,114
And so God has given the gift of singleness,

675
00:26:19,114 --> 00:26:20,923
but if you don't want it,

676
00:26:20,923 --> 00:26:22,840
and you can't handle it,

677
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,744
it's not yours.

678
00:26:24,744 --> 00:26:27,059
The gift is not a curse you don't want.

679
00:26:27,059 --> 00:26:30,372
It's a gift from Your Father.

680
00:26:30,372 --> 00:26:33,153
Not a curse.

681
00:26:33,153 --> 00:26:34,912
The second thing we need to say

682
00:26:34,912 --> 00:26:36,736
about singleness is some people

683
00:26:36,736 --> 00:26:40,447
don't have a gift of self-control,

684
00:26:40,447 --> 00:26:43,820
and they're still single.

685
00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:46,990
Some people are burning to get married.

686
00:26:46,990 --> 00:26:48,604
Deeply desire to get married.

687
00:26:48,604 --> 00:26:49,935
No doubt in their minds

688
00:26:49,935 --> 00:26:51,564
that they would like to be

689
00:26:51,564 --> 00:26:52,889
in a married state,

690
00:26:52,889 --> 00:26:54,853
even though it will cause greater anxieties,

691
00:26:54,853 --> 00:26:56,268
even though it will cause difficulties,

692
00:26:56,268 --> 00:26:57,822
but they are sure,

693
00:26:57,822 --> 00:26:59,385
they want to get married,

694
00:26:59,385 --> 00:27:04,292
but it never seems to work.

695
00:27:04,292 --> 00:27:07,257
And honestly, in the church I pastor,

696
00:27:07,257 --> 00:27:09,559
my heart just goes out to these people.

697
00:27:09,559 --> 00:27:11,889
I often get to talk to them.

698
00:27:11,889 --> 00:27:14,175
And you need to realize

699
00:27:14,175 --> 00:27:15,916
that when you don't feel equipped;

700
00:27:15,916 --> 00:27:17,724
when you feel like, man, I have to

701
00:27:17,724 --> 00:27:20,307
spend all my time gouging out my eye

702
00:27:20,307 --> 00:27:22,063
and cutting off my hand

703
00:27:22,063 --> 00:27:23,373
and fighting to stay pure

704
00:27:23,373 --> 00:27:25,006
and I'd love to be getting married

705
00:27:25,006 --> 00:27:26,775
and my heart just aches to be married

706
00:27:26,775 --> 00:27:27,958
and I just stay single.

707
00:27:27,958 --> 00:27:29,969
And it was one thing when it was 20-25,

708
00:27:29,969 --> 00:27:31,456
but now it's been 25-30,

709
00:27:31,456 --> 00:27:32,948
and now it's been 30-35,

710
00:27:32,948 --> 00:27:34,844
and now it's been 35-40.

711
00:27:34,844 --> 00:27:37,569
And nothing is working.

712
00:27:37,569 --> 00:27:39,208
And I've heard all these sermons

713
00:27:39,208 --> 00:27:41,387
on biblical principles for getting married

714
00:27:41,387 --> 00:27:43,565
and they don't "work."

715
00:27:43,565 --> 00:27:46,012
You need to realize that you have not been given

716
00:27:46,012 --> 00:27:48,628
the gift of self-control.

717
00:27:48,628 --> 00:27:51,776
You've been given the gift of suffering.

718
00:27:51,776 --> 00:27:55,326
You've been given a gift of suffering.

719
00:27:55,326 --> 00:27:59,020
And many times when we walk into a good gift,

720
00:27:59,020 --> 00:28:01,809
God gives us the gift of suffering.

721
00:28:01,809 --> 00:28:03,373
Many couples get married

722
00:28:03,373 --> 00:28:05,352
and they begin to want to have children.

723
00:28:05,352 --> 00:28:07,300
Is that a good desire? You bet it's a good desire.

724
00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:09,348
They begin to come together hoping to have children,

725
00:28:09,348 --> 00:28:11,326
and then one year of infertility

726
00:28:11,326 --> 00:28:12,488
turns into five,

727
00:28:12,488 --> 00:28:14,392
and five turns into ten,

728
00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:16,044
and they've been given the gift

729
00:28:16,044 --> 00:28:17,738
of suffering.

730
00:28:17,738 --> 00:28:19,816
There was a time where half of our pastors

731
00:28:19,816 --> 00:28:22,850
were in infertile marriages.

732
00:28:22,850 --> 00:28:24,269
Just deep suffering.

733
00:28:24,269 --> 00:28:26,134
And the reason it's so hard is because

734
00:28:26,134 --> 00:28:28,568
it's not like, Lord, I want to go drinking every night.

735
00:28:28,568 --> 00:28:31,371
It's not like I want to go out and do drugs.

736
00:28:31,371 --> 00:28:35,510
I just want to get married to a godly man and serve You.

737
00:28:35,510 --> 00:28:38,213
But You keep saying no.

738
00:28:38,213 --> 00:28:40,529
And I'm doing all the stuff to be available,

739
00:28:40,529 --> 00:28:42,269
be godly, be modest,

740
00:28:42,269 --> 00:28:45,964
and nothing's working.

741
00:28:45,964 --> 00:28:51,187
And Philippians 1 is a good verse for us.

742
00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:53,777
It's speaking in a persecution context,

743
00:28:53,777 --> 00:28:56,279
but I believe the words are applicable

744
00:28:56,279 --> 00:28:58,249
in any difficult trial

745
00:28:58,249 --> 00:29:02,940
in a Christian's life.

746
00:29:02,940 --> 00:29:09,075
Philippians 1:29

747
00:29:09,075 --> 00:29:12,843
"For you it has been granted..."

748
00:29:12,843 --> 00:29:15,637
or gifted; it's a charisma.

749
00:29:15,637 --> 00:29:17,998
"For to you it has been granted

750
00:29:17,998 --> 00:29:19,707
(or gifted)

751
00:29:19,707 --> 00:29:21,398
to you for the sake of Christ

752
00:29:21,398 --> 00:29:23,607
that you should not only believe in Him..."

753
00:29:23,607 --> 00:29:24,804
That was your first gift.

754
00:29:24,804 --> 00:29:27,722
You get to believe in Him.

755
00:29:27,722 --> 00:29:31,945
"...but also" this gift has been given.

756
00:29:31,945 --> 00:29:37,119
"...that you should suffer for His sake."

757
00:29:37,119 --> 00:29:41,769
God gives both faith to believe and be saved,

758
00:29:41,769 --> 00:29:46,194
and He gives the gift of suffering.

759
00:29:46,194 --> 00:29:49,688
And He gives it to so many different people.

760
00:29:49,688 --> 00:29:51,170
He gives it to the preacher

761
00:29:51,170 --> 00:29:53,662
who loses his voice.

762
00:29:53,662 --> 00:29:54,981
He gives it to the couple

763
00:29:54,981 --> 00:29:56,705
who can't have children.

764
00:29:56,705 --> 00:29:58,672
He gives it to the man who wants to use

765
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,238
his health on the mission field

766
00:30:00,238 --> 00:30:02,612
and loses his health before he gets

767
00:30:02,612 --> 00:30:04,617
to the mission field.

768
00:30:04,617 --> 00:30:06,713
He gives suffering to all of His people.

769
00:30:06,713 --> 00:30:08,839
And some of the people He gives it to

770
00:30:08,839 --> 00:30:12,243
are single people who desperately want to get married,

771
00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:13,834
but nothing works.

772
00:30:13,834 --> 00:30:14,938
And you need to know,

773
00:30:14,938 --> 00:30:17,805
you have not been forgotten by God.

774
00:30:17,805 --> 00:30:18,836
Not one bit.

775
00:30:18,836 --> 00:30:20,614
You haven't been forgotten by God.

776
00:30:20,614 --> 00:30:23,725
You have been gifted by God.

777
00:30:23,725 --> 00:30:28,697
And you need to know that it's alright to grieve.

778
00:30:28,697 --> 00:30:30,469
You look at the Psalms.

779
00:30:30,469 --> 00:30:32,367
The psalmist is not a stoic.

780
00:30:32,367 --> 00:30:33,634
The psalmist does not say,

781
00:30:33,634 --> 00:30:35,827
this is hard, but I've got a stiff upper lip.

782
00:30:35,827 --> 00:30:37,408
He says Lord, this is miserable!

783
00:30:37,408 --> 00:30:38,648
Lord, it's so difficult!

784
00:30:38,648 --> 00:30:40,149
Lord, this is a trial!

785
00:30:40,149 --> 00:30:42,435
Lord, I'm going through agony and pain.

786
00:30:42,435 --> 00:30:45,459
And the psalmist always vents his heart to God

787
00:30:45,459 --> 00:30:47,096
and tells God of his trials.

788
00:30:47,096 --> 00:30:48,621
And the last thing we want to do

789
00:30:48,621 --> 00:30:50,050
is tell people who are single

790
00:30:50,050 --> 00:30:51,143
who want to be married,

791
00:30:51,143 --> 00:30:52,809
that they just need to have a stiff upper lip about it,

792
00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:54,349
and they just need to suck it up.

793
00:30:54,349 --> 00:30:56,109
That's not the right counsel at all.

794
00:30:56,109 --> 00:31:00,548
We're a church that weeps with those who weep,

795
00:31:00,548 --> 00:31:05,601
and knows that trials really are trials.

796
00:31:05,601 --> 00:31:09,596
John Angel James wrote a book

797
00:31:09,596 --> 00:31:12,050
my wife read, and she shared some wisdom

798
00:31:12,050 --> 00:31:13,756
from it with me.

799
00:31:13,756 --> 00:31:17,344
It's called, "The Widow Directed to the Widow's God."

800
00:31:17,344 --> 00:31:19,021
And of course, widowhood is just

801
00:31:19,021 --> 00:31:21,324
one more form of suffering.

802
00:31:21,324 --> 00:31:23,127
You wanted children; you didn't get them.

803
00:31:23,127 --> 00:31:24,935
You wanted to be married; you didn't get to.

804
00:31:24,935 --> 00:31:29,966
You wanted your husband to live; he died.

805
00:31:29,966 --> 00:31:32,135
And in that book, John Angel James -

806
00:31:32,135 --> 00:31:36,122
I don't know how to pronounce his middle name -

807
00:31:36,122 --> 00:31:41,637
he says when God puts you into a trial,

808
00:31:41,637 --> 00:31:44,486
it's wrong not to grieve,

809
00:31:44,486 --> 00:31:47,798
because He has taken something good from you.

810
00:31:47,798 --> 00:31:50,999
And it's wrong not to express to Him,

811
00:31:50,999 --> 00:31:54,805
Lord, this good thing has been taken.

812
00:31:54,805 --> 00:31:55,944
But then he adds,

813
00:31:55,944 --> 00:31:59,350
but it's also wrong not to be comforted.

814
00:31:59,350 --> 00:32:03,333
It's also wrong not to be comforted.

815
00:32:03,333 --> 00:32:07,425
For a parent to lose a child and not weep

816
00:32:07,425 --> 00:32:10,378
is not the height of spirituality.

817
00:32:10,378 --> 00:32:13,087
The Lord Jesus Christ lost His friend Lazarus,

818
00:32:13,087 --> 00:32:16,741
and He didn't say, "Oh, he's in heaven."

819
00:32:16,741 --> 00:32:20,075
It says He snorted like a horse, the verse actually says.

820
00:32:20,075 --> 00:32:24,212
He was filled with anger and then tears

821
00:32:24,212 --> 00:32:27,552
in the face of death of His friend Lazarus.

822
00:32:27,552 --> 00:32:29,601
It deeply affected Him.

823
00:32:29,601 --> 00:32:31,939
And He was moved by it.

824
00:32:31,939 --> 00:32:35,315
And it's wrong not to be moved by suffering.

825
00:32:35,315 --> 00:32:38,212
But it's wrong not to be comforted too.

826
00:32:38,212 --> 00:32:41,732
It's wrong not to eventually in due time dry your tears,

827
00:32:41,732 --> 00:32:44,527
and take up the promises of God,

828
00:32:44,527 --> 00:32:47,103
and know that Christ is enough;

829
00:32:47,103 --> 00:32:49,375
that He is sufficient.

830
00:32:49,375 --> 00:32:51,124
We had a testimony in our church

831
00:32:51,124 --> 00:32:53,795
a few weeks back of a woman who was single

832
00:32:53,795 --> 00:32:55,017
for a very long time,

833
00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:57,511
until she was about 40.

834
00:32:57,511 --> 00:32:59,641
And she said,

835
00:32:59,641 --> 00:33:02,180
I never got any victory

836
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:05,314
because I made contentment my idol.

837
00:33:05,314 --> 00:33:07,466
She wanted to be content as a single person

838
00:33:07,466 --> 00:33:09,253
so bad she couldn't get content.

839
00:33:09,253 --> 00:33:11,622
And she goes, I got victory when I realized

840
00:33:11,622 --> 00:33:15,900
what I needed wasn't contentment, but Christ.

841
00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:24,264
And when I had Christ, then I had contentment.

842
00:33:24,264 --> 00:33:27,140
And then she got married right away.

843
00:33:27,140 --> 00:33:29,633
But don't tell people stories like that.

844
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:32,675
Don't tell single people stories like that.

845
00:33:32,675 --> 00:33:35,517
Once you're content, then they got married.

846
00:33:35,517 --> 00:33:37,944
There's lots of couples who give it all to the Lord

847
00:33:37,944 --> 00:33:40,476
when they're infertile and never have a child.

848
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:43,192
Giving it all to the Lord is not a promise

849
00:33:43,192 --> 00:33:46,281
that He'll make it better.

850
00:33:46,281 --> 00:33:50,663
Giving it all to the Lord is a promise that you'll get Christ.

851
00:33:50,663 --> 00:33:55,804
And you'll get satisfaction in Christ.

852
00:33:55,804 --> 00:33:59,017
Now, we've seen that some people

853
00:33:59,017 --> 00:34:01,249
have the gift of self- control for singleness,

854
00:34:01,249 --> 00:34:03,163
and it should be esteemed in the church.

855
00:34:03,163 --> 00:34:04,400
And then we have also seen

856
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,550
that some people don't have a gift for singleness

857
00:34:06,550 --> 00:34:07,836
and they're still single,

858
00:34:07,836 --> 00:34:09,566
and that should be regarded for us

859
00:34:09,566 --> 00:34:11,838
as a suffering to be comforted and encouraged

860
00:34:11,838 --> 00:34:13,910
with all the promises of God

861
00:34:13,910 --> 00:34:15,365
in the Scripture.

862
00:34:15,365 --> 00:34:17,092
But then the question becomes,

863
00:34:17,092 --> 00:34:20,137
well, how do I move from being single

864
00:34:20,137 --> 00:34:21,813
to being married?

865
00:34:21,813 --> 00:34:23,719
I am single right now,

866
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:25,679
but I'd like to be married.

867
00:34:25,679 --> 00:34:27,989
And in fact, the Apostle Paul tells us

868
00:34:27,989 --> 00:34:30,526
that you should seek to be married, right?

869
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:31,893
He says in v. 8,

870
00:34:31,893 --> 00:34:33,600
"to the unmarried and the widow,

871
00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:36,479
I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am,

872
00:34:36,479 --> 00:34:39,948
but if they cannot exercise self-control,

873
00:34:39,948 --> 00:34:41,576
they should marry."

874
00:34:41,576 --> 00:34:43,497
There actually becomes an obligation

875
00:34:43,497 --> 00:34:46,177
to pursue marriage if you don't think

876
00:34:46,177 --> 00:34:48,164
you can handle singleness.

877
00:34:48,164 --> 00:34:50,729
So, some people think when they begin to pursue marriage

878
00:34:50,729 --> 00:34:52,220
that they're not being spiritual;

879
00:34:52,220 --> 00:34:54,024
that they're losing their first love;

880
00:34:54,024 --> 00:34:56,229
that they're falling away from deep devotion to Christ.

881
00:34:56,229 --> 00:34:57,482
But that's not it at all.

882
00:34:57,482 --> 00:34:59,261
The Bible is immensely practical

883
00:34:59,261 --> 00:35:01,361
and it says to you, if you don't have this gift,

884
00:35:01,361 --> 00:35:02,999
you should marry.

885
00:35:02,999 --> 00:35:05,240
No guilt.

886
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:09,977
But rather freedom from the Lord to marry.

887
00:35:09,977 --> 00:35:12,579
And in fact, marriage is something

888
00:35:12,579 --> 00:35:16,467
we are told it is good to seek.

889
00:35:16,467 --> 00:35:29,526
Proverbs 18:22

890
00:35:29,526 --> 00:35:36,822
I'll read it to you.

891
00:35:36,822 --> 00:35:39,236
Sometimes when I'm flipping through my Bible,

892
00:35:39,236 --> 00:35:44,798
I think entire books disappear.

893
00:35:44,798 --> 00:35:47,462
Proverbs 18:22

894
00:35:47,462 --> 00:35:51,030
"He who finds a wife, finds a good thing

895
00:35:51,030 --> 00:35:53,010
and obtains favor from the Lord."

896
00:35:53,010 --> 00:35:55,435
And so there's both God's side and man's side.

897
00:35:55,435 --> 00:35:57,792
Man is finding a wife, looking for one,

898
00:35:57,792 --> 00:36:00,582
seeking for one, and when he finds one,

899
00:36:00,582 --> 00:36:02,332
he has obtained something

900
00:36:02,332 --> 00:36:04,723
that God gave him.

901
00:36:04,723 --> 00:36:09,144
But this question of how to seek a wife

902
00:36:09,144 --> 00:36:12,007
is one which I believe the evangelical church

903
00:36:12,007 --> 00:36:15,977
is in utter confusion about at the moment.

904
00:36:15,977 --> 00:36:17,481
How to find a wife.

905
00:36:17,481 --> 00:36:19,590
And it's very possible to be misguided

906
00:36:19,590 --> 00:36:20,687
for so many reasons.

907
00:36:20,687 --> 00:36:24,511
First of all, there's the bad use of Bible texts.

908
00:36:24,511 --> 00:36:26,317
Misguided. So where do you go

909
00:36:26,317 --> 00:36:28,804
in the Scriptures for guidance

910
00:36:28,804 --> 00:36:30,145
about how to get married?

911
00:36:30,145 --> 00:36:32,115
Genesis 24?

912
00:36:32,115 --> 00:36:33,903
Remember Genesis 24?

913
00:36:33,903 --> 00:36:36,634
Abraham sends his servant

914
00:36:36,634 --> 00:36:39,551
back to his homeland,

915
00:36:39,551 --> 00:36:42,290
and the servant says whoever I ask for water,

916
00:36:42,290 --> 00:36:44,850
if she also offers to water my camels,

917
00:36:44,850 --> 00:36:46,612
then I'll know that that's the one.

918
00:36:46,612 --> 00:36:48,197
I'll put some gold jewelry on her

919
00:36:48,197 --> 00:36:49,954
and I'll take her back home to my master.

920
00:36:49,954 --> 00:36:51,478
So you know, two guys read this one day.

921
00:36:51,478 --> 00:36:53,916
They're like whichever girl comes into the kitchen

922
00:36:53,916 --> 00:36:54,936
and asks for a Pepsi,

923
00:36:54,936 --> 00:36:57,426
if she also offers to make me a sandwich,

924
00:36:57,426 --> 00:36:59,605
then she'll be the one.

925
00:36:59,605 --> 00:37:02,120
And you're like, you're a dangerous guy.

926
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:06,527
Don't read Genesis 24 like that.

927
00:37:06,527 --> 00:37:09,832
Or, you know some woman is reading along

928
00:37:09,832 --> 00:37:10,959
in the book of Ruth,

929
00:37:10,959 --> 00:37:12,954
and she's sick of all these passive men.

930
00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:14,311
And so she says, well, maybe I just need to

931
00:37:14,311 --> 00:37:15,605
go to one of them by night,

932
00:37:15,605 --> 00:37:17,701
pull the covers off his feet, sit down,

933
00:37:17,701 --> 00:37:20,187
and ask him if he'll be my kinsmen redeemer

934
00:37:20,187 --> 00:37:21,530
when he wakes up.

935
00:37:21,530 --> 00:37:23,210
And you're like, there are so many

936
00:37:23,210 --> 00:37:27,293
possible ways to abuse the Scriptures

937
00:37:27,293 --> 00:37:29,731
on this point.

938
00:37:29,731 --> 00:37:31,697
And just because the Scriptures give us

939
00:37:31,697 --> 00:37:34,279
an example of something does not mean

940
00:37:34,279 --> 00:37:36,219
that's the way God wants to do it

941
00:37:36,219 --> 00:37:39,395
in our lives.

942
00:37:39,395 --> 00:37:41,616
On top of that, the history of people

943
00:37:41,616 --> 00:37:43,931
coming together in the United States of America

944
00:37:43,931 --> 00:37:45,161
is very mixed.

945
00:37:45,161 --> 00:37:46,960
When this nation was first formed,

946
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,849
most marriages were arranged.

947
00:37:49,849 --> 00:37:52,509
That is, families, for different reasons

948
00:37:52,509 --> 00:37:54,964
of social benefit or for financial benefit

949
00:37:54,964 --> 00:37:56,820
or maybe love was involved at times,

950
00:37:56,820 --> 00:37:57,742
I'm not sure -

951
00:37:57,742 --> 00:37:59,427
but for different reasons, would arrange

952
00:37:59,427 --> 00:38:02,093
the marriages between a young man and a young woman.

953
00:38:02,093 --> 00:38:04,480
Then, you move forward in the history of our nation,

954
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,128
and what you get is you get a system

955
00:38:06,128 --> 00:38:07,383
of gentlemen callers,

956
00:38:07,383 --> 00:38:10,382
where the man would go to the woman's house

957
00:38:10,382 --> 00:38:12,646
and - I've just read this in one place -

958
00:38:12,646 --> 00:38:15,612
that she was actually the one who invited him to her house,

959
00:38:15,612 --> 00:38:17,615
and of course, then, they basically dated

960
00:38:17,615 --> 00:38:18,853
with dad watching.

961
00:38:18,853 --> 00:38:21,092
So they sat on the porch

962
00:38:21,092 --> 00:38:23,195
and were under that sort of system.

963
00:38:23,195 --> 00:38:25,591
Then, in the 1930's,

964
00:38:25,591 --> 00:38:27,528
money became more of an option.

965
00:38:27,528 --> 00:38:29,872
The automobile begins to become prevalent.

966
00:38:29,872 --> 00:38:31,672
And the date becomes prevalent,

967
00:38:31,672 --> 00:38:34,081
which is where you leave the home

968
00:38:34,081 --> 00:38:37,227
and you go away from where there are any parents,

969
00:38:37,227 --> 00:38:38,413
and you buy something -

970
00:38:38,413 --> 00:38:39,814
you buy a ticket to a movie,

971
00:38:39,814 --> 00:38:41,794
you buy a pop, you do whatever,

972
00:38:41,794 --> 00:38:44,124
and you date.

973
00:38:44,124 --> 00:38:45,744
And so it's not like there's been

974
00:38:45,744 --> 00:38:47,708
one way to come together in marriage

975
00:38:47,708 --> 00:38:49,918
in the history of this country.

976
00:38:49,918 --> 00:38:51,486
And then, if there wasn't just

977
00:38:51,486 --> 00:38:53,207
the bad Bible verse problem -

978
00:38:53,207 --> 00:38:54,671
Genesis 24 and Ruth.

979
00:38:54,671 --> 00:38:56,436
If it wasn't just the mixed history

980
00:38:56,436 --> 00:38:57,967
in the United States of America,

981
00:38:57,967 --> 00:39:00,963
there's preachers who get really dogmatic

982
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:04,656
about the exact right way you ought to do it.

983
00:39:04,656 --> 00:39:08,147
And I said this when I preached on this

984
00:39:08,147 --> 00:39:10,097
in my home church.

985
00:39:10,097 --> 00:39:12,413
You've got preachers who are really dogmatic

986
00:39:12,413 --> 00:39:14,717
that it's good to do sanctified dating.

987
00:39:14,717 --> 00:39:17,161
And you've got preachers that are really dogmatic

988
00:39:17,161 --> 00:39:18,628
that it needs to be courtship.

989
00:39:18,628 --> 00:39:20,514
And if you're in India, you'll have preachers

990
00:39:20,514 --> 00:39:23,568
that are really dogmatic that it should be an arranged marriage.

991
00:39:23,568 --> 00:39:25,613
And the Charles Leiter test is:

992
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:29,056
what's the verse for that brother?

993
00:39:29,056 --> 00:39:32,541
What verse will you use?

994
00:39:32,541 --> 00:39:35,740
And when you don't have a verse,

995
00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:37,459
the number one rule of preaching is

996
00:39:37,459 --> 00:39:40,526
to be quiet.

997
00:39:40,526 --> 00:39:43,668
You don't pretend you have a verse.

998
00:39:43,668 --> 00:39:45,927
And so we've got weird verses,

999
00:39:45,927 --> 00:39:47,672
like Genesis 24 and Ruth,

1000
00:39:47,672 --> 00:39:49,303
and then we've got a mixed history

1001
00:39:49,303 --> 00:39:50,898
in the United States of America,

1002
00:39:50,898 --> 00:39:52,712
and then we've got people getting dogmatic

1003
00:39:52,712 --> 00:39:54,460
where they have no place getting dogmatic.

1004
00:39:54,460 --> 00:39:57,210
And it makes for a very difficult situation

1005
00:39:57,210 --> 00:40:00,706
for young men and young men

1006
00:40:00,706 --> 00:40:02,598
to come together

1007
00:40:02,598 --> 00:40:04,502
and to follow Paul's admonition

1008
00:40:04,502 --> 00:40:08,358
that they ought to get married.

1009
00:40:08,358 --> 00:40:09,927
And so what I want to do

1010
00:40:09,927 --> 00:40:12,179
in the remainder of our time,

1011
00:40:12,179 --> 00:40:14,911
is I want to offer some principles.

1012
00:40:14,911 --> 00:40:17,975
And we might think, oh, we don't have explicit directions.

1013
00:40:17,975 --> 00:40:20,048
All we have is principles.

1014
00:40:20,048 --> 00:40:23,055
If the Holy Spirit had wanted us to have explicit directions,

1015
00:40:23,055 --> 00:40:25,020
we would have them.

1016
00:40:25,020 --> 00:40:27,150
The Word of God being sufficient

1017
00:40:27,150 --> 00:40:29,474
means that we trust all that it does say,

1018
00:40:29,474 --> 00:40:32,623
but it also means that we trust all that it doesn't say.

1019
00:40:32,623 --> 00:40:34,983
And we don't get dogmatic because the Holy Spirit

1020
00:40:34,983 --> 00:40:36,608
forgot to say something.

1021
00:40:36,608 --> 00:40:40,675
The Holy Spirit has never forgotten to say anything.

1022
00:40:40,675 --> 00:40:44,804
And so we intentionally give greater liberty

1023
00:40:44,804 --> 00:40:46,540
and greater freedom

1024
00:40:46,540 --> 00:40:48,866
when we approach those topics

1025
00:40:48,866 --> 00:40:51,713
that the Holy Spirit has spoken less about.

1026
00:40:51,713 --> 00:40:54,576
This is going to be very important in the next two messages

1027
00:40:54,576 --> 00:40:56,285
when we speak about parenting

1028
00:40:56,285 --> 00:40:58,646
and we speak about marriage.

1029
00:40:58,646 --> 00:41:00,451
I mean, if you were going to speak

1030
00:41:00,451 --> 00:41:02,950
to a group of pagans about marriage -

1031
00:41:02,950 --> 00:41:05,130
a group of pagans who had just been converted -

1032
00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:06,833
about marriage, what would you do?

1033
00:41:06,833 --> 00:41:09,669
Maybe a couple 300-page books?

1034
00:41:09,669 --> 00:41:13,670
Paul gave them two verses in Colossians.

1035
00:41:13,670 --> 00:41:15,672
And all of a sudden, everyone knows

1036
00:41:15,672 --> 00:41:18,334
more than the Holy Spirit about marriage.

1037
00:41:18,334 --> 00:41:20,421
Rather than giving one another the freedom

1038
00:41:20,421 --> 00:41:23,637
that the Holy Spirit gave to the church

1039
00:41:23,637 --> 00:41:28,013
in marriage and so many other things.

1040
00:41:28,013 --> 00:41:31,090
Here are some principles which I hope

1041
00:41:31,090 --> 00:41:37,267
are all biblical and that will help you.

1042
00:41:37,267 --> 00:41:39,369
Occasionally, I will give you

1043
00:41:39,369 --> 00:41:41,204
a few examples of how these principles

1044
00:41:41,204 --> 00:41:43,980
have worked out, but you have to always remember,

1045
00:41:43,980 --> 00:41:45,824
I'm just giving you examples

1046
00:41:45,824 --> 00:41:47,525
of how the principles worked out.

1047
00:41:47,525 --> 00:41:52,324
It's not the only way it could happen.

1048
00:41:52,324 --> 00:41:56,108
First, before you seek who you should marry,

1049
00:41:56,108 --> 00:41:59,412
you would worry about who you are.

1050
00:41:59,412 --> 00:42:02,450
Before you seek who you should marry,

1051
00:42:02,450 --> 00:42:04,843
you should worry about who you are.

1052
00:42:04,843 --> 00:42:06,362
There is nothing more dangerous

1053
00:42:06,362 --> 00:42:08,012
than a person doing a Bible study

1054
00:42:08,012 --> 00:42:11,362
about the person they should marry.

1055
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:13,269
Not quite, but...

1056
00:42:13,269 --> 00:42:14,742
They should be godly.

1057
00:42:14,742 --> 00:42:16,137
They should be holy.

1058
00:42:16,137 --> 00:42:17,696
They should be pure.

1059
00:42:17,696 --> 00:42:19,168
They should be forgiving.

1060
00:42:19,168 --> 00:42:20,757
They should be honoring.

1061
00:42:20,757 --> 00:42:22,277
They should love their parents.

1062
00:42:22,277 --> 00:42:24,258
They should be this. They should be that.

1063
00:42:24,258 --> 00:42:26,916
And then the worse part is if you wind up single till you're 40,

1064
00:42:26,916 --> 00:42:30,875
the "they should be" list gets longer every year.

1065
00:42:30,875 --> 00:42:33,577
The problem is that often we approach the Scriptures

1066
00:42:33,577 --> 00:42:37,414
and miss the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ.

1067
00:42:37,414 --> 00:42:41,435
And that Spirit says that I take the log out of my own eye

1068
00:42:41,435 --> 00:42:45,189
before I take the speck out of anyone else's.

1069
00:42:45,189 --> 00:42:47,097
And yes, there are some people

1070
00:42:47,097 --> 00:42:49,341
you ought not to marry

1071
00:42:49,341 --> 00:42:51,964
because it would be compromise to do so.

1072
00:42:51,964 --> 00:42:54,395
And so the Bible study can be good in that sense.

1073
00:42:54,395 --> 00:42:57,343
But, more than that, you ought to be asking

1074
00:42:57,343 --> 00:42:59,568
how could I be a humble person

1075
00:42:59,568 --> 00:43:02,386
who might serve someone in marriage?

1076
00:43:02,386 --> 00:43:03,843
How could I be a holy person

1077
00:43:03,843 --> 00:43:06,625
who might sanctify another person in marriage?

1078
00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:09,067
And on top of that, you can't miss the Gospel.

1079
00:43:09,067 --> 00:43:11,016
You see the Gospel changes everything.

1080
00:43:11,016 --> 00:43:13,591
The Gospel says that you are a wicked sinner

1081
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:16,296
who should be condemned and go to hell.

1082
00:43:16,296 --> 00:43:18,079
But instead, the Lord Jesus Christ

1083
00:43:18,079 --> 00:43:19,322
stepped on to this earth

1084
00:43:19,322 --> 00:43:22,053
and lived over 30 perfect years for you

1085
00:43:22,053 --> 00:43:23,900
and then shed His own blood

1086
00:43:23,900 --> 00:43:26,264
to die for your soul out of love.

1087
00:43:26,264 --> 00:43:27,711
And now He washes you

1088
00:43:27,711 --> 00:43:28,885
and cleanses you

1089
00:43:28,885 --> 00:43:30,718
and He died and He rose again

1090
00:43:30,718 --> 00:43:31,933
to give you new life.

1091
00:43:31,933 --> 00:43:34,201
Now, He's ascended to the right hand of the Father,

1092
00:43:34,201 --> 00:43:35,795
and He pours out His Spirit on you,

1093
00:43:35,795 --> 00:43:38,213
and you - even though you should be in hell,

1094
00:43:38,213 --> 00:43:39,797
and you're on your way to heaven,

1095
00:43:39,797 --> 00:43:43,376
might be given a wife.

1096
00:43:43,376 --> 00:43:46,218
You might be given a wife.

1097
00:43:46,218 --> 00:43:47,904
And when you're under the Gospel,

1098
00:43:47,904 --> 00:43:50,519
you aren't walking around like God's gift to all women

1099
00:43:50,519 --> 00:43:52,720
thinking are they sanctified enough for me?

1100
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:53,820
But rather you're asking,

1101
00:43:53,820 --> 00:43:58,285
Oh God, would I be worthy of such a calling?

1102
00:43:58,285 --> 00:44:00,612
Of caring for a woman

1103
00:44:00,612 --> 00:44:01,699
or caring for a man?

1104
00:44:01,699 --> 00:44:03,837
And this applies to married couples too, doesn't it?

1105
00:44:03,837 --> 00:44:05,323
This is what we do in marriage.

1106
00:44:05,323 --> 00:44:07,933
We forget that we're supposed to be like Christ.

1107
00:44:07,933 --> 00:44:10,180
"Well, you're not like Christ." "Well, neither are you."

1108
00:44:10,180 --> 00:44:12,761
"Well, I'll be more like Christ when you're more like Christ."

1109
00:44:12,761 --> 00:44:15,472
Bad news.

1110
00:44:15,472 --> 00:44:17,792
And so we need to keep ourselves

1111
00:44:17,792 --> 00:44:19,828
under the Gospel

1112
00:44:19,828 --> 00:44:21,944
which reminds us of our sin,

1113
00:44:21,944 --> 00:44:23,856
but not without hope.

1114
00:44:23,856 --> 00:44:27,762
And it humbles us and makes us fit

1115
00:44:27,762 --> 00:44:30,623
to be married to someone else.

1116
00:44:30,623 --> 00:44:34,040
So before you should seek who you should marry,

1117
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,778
you should worry about who you are.

1118
00:44:37,778 --> 00:44:39,357
Before you seek to be married,

1119
00:44:39,357 --> 00:44:41,634
you should know who you are looking for.

1120
00:44:41,634 --> 00:44:44,043
Which is kind of the opposite point.

1121
00:44:44,043 --> 00:44:46,701
And I come a little short on time this evening,

1122
00:44:46,701 --> 00:44:48,101
and I covered this yesterday,

1123
00:44:48,101 --> 00:44:50,140
so I'm just going to remind you of it.

1124
00:44:50,140 --> 00:44:52,634
But in Proverbs 31,

1125
00:44:52,634 --> 00:44:54,965
it gives men guidance for who

1126
00:44:54,965 --> 00:44:56,718
they ought to be seeking.

1127
00:44:56,718 --> 00:44:59,113
It tells us that the woman you ought to be seeking

1128
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:00,484
is the kind of woman

1129
00:45:00,484 --> 00:45:02,341
who loves to care for the home,

1130
00:45:02,341 --> 00:45:04,084
who loves to care for the poor,

1131
00:45:04,084 --> 00:45:05,913
and it's not the one who is full of

1132
00:45:05,913 --> 00:45:07,722
beauty and charm -

1133
00:45:07,722 --> 00:45:09,132
that will deceive you.

1134
00:45:09,132 --> 00:45:11,166
It is the one who fears the Lord.

1135
00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:12,416
That's who you are after.

1136
00:45:12,416 --> 00:45:14,083
Listen, I do not mean to be crass

1137
00:45:14,083 --> 00:45:16,967
or insulting to anyone who is getting older,

1138
00:45:16,967 --> 00:45:19,854
but the simple fact is that men

1139
00:45:19,854 --> 00:45:21,570
are consumed with looks

1140
00:45:21,570 --> 00:45:24,995
and especially now so in our generation of pornography,

1141
00:45:24,995 --> 00:45:28,404
and that consumption with looks is an absolute deceit,

1142
00:45:28,404 --> 00:45:30,215
because you are going to be married

1143
00:45:30,215 --> 00:45:32,374
primarily for most of your years

1144
00:45:32,374 --> 00:45:34,055
to a 40 year old, to a 50 year old,

1145
00:45:34,055 --> 00:45:36,028
to a 60 year old, to a 70 year old,

1146
00:45:36,028 --> 00:45:37,224
and to an 80 year old.

1147
00:45:37,224 --> 00:45:39,959
You are going to spend most of your decades

1148
00:45:39,959 --> 00:45:42,274
not married to a 20 year old woman.

1149
00:45:42,274 --> 00:45:44,373
And if you bank all your hope

1150
00:45:44,373 --> 00:45:46,584
on her staying looking like she's 20,

1151
00:45:46,584 --> 00:45:48,429
when she's 40 and 50,

1152
00:45:48,429 --> 00:45:51,732
you will be disappointed.

1153
00:45:51,732 --> 00:45:53,729
Early in our marriage, I said to my wife

1154
00:45:53,729 --> 00:45:54,843
who is beautiful,

1155
00:45:54,843 --> 00:45:55,966
but I said to her,

1156
00:45:55,966 --> 00:45:58,979
we are not putting the focus of our marriage

1157
00:45:58,979 --> 00:46:02,487
on you maintaining physical beauty.

1158
00:46:02,487 --> 00:46:04,645
We are putting the focus of our marriage

1159
00:46:04,645 --> 00:46:06,289
on loving each other no matter

1160
00:46:06,289 --> 00:46:09,493
what Christ brings us through,

1161
00:46:09,493 --> 00:46:11,450
so that we're not going to be deceived.

1162
00:46:11,450 --> 00:46:13,567
And the thing is that

1163
00:46:13,567 --> 00:46:15,502
physical beauty is not wrong.

1164
00:46:15,502 --> 00:46:17,619
And I'll get into that a little later.

1165
00:46:17,619 --> 00:46:20,597
But the focus of the Lord

1166
00:46:20,597 --> 00:46:23,340
is on the gentle and quiet spirit.

1167
00:46:23,340 --> 00:46:27,325
It's on the woman cleaned by the Word of God.

1168
00:46:27,325 --> 00:46:29,279
Not by the woman made up perfectly

1169
00:46:29,279 --> 00:46:32,404
who can keep her beauty until she's 70.

1170
00:46:32,404 --> 00:46:34,478
That's not the focus at all.

1171
00:46:34,478 --> 00:46:36,249
And so you need to know what you're looking for.

1172
00:46:36,249 --> 00:46:38,348
And if what you're looking for is just a pretty face,

1173
00:46:38,348 --> 00:46:39,594
you will be disappointed.

1174
00:46:39,594 --> 00:46:42,215
And women, this goes for you too.

1175
00:46:42,215 --> 00:46:44,389
My experience in our church

1176
00:46:44,389 --> 00:46:47,268
is that women will rule out guys

1177
00:46:47,268 --> 00:46:50,627
who are really godly but don't have the cool factor.

1178
00:46:50,627 --> 00:46:53,284
They're not slick guys.

1179
00:46:53,284 --> 00:46:55,397
They're not guys who present well.

1180
00:46:55,397 --> 00:46:56,929
They're a little bit awkward,

1181
00:46:56,929 --> 00:46:58,145
and if they're a little bit awkward,

1182
00:46:58,145 --> 00:46:59,825
they don't even get a mention.

1183
00:46:59,825 --> 00:47:01,489
So the girls will sit around going,

1184
00:47:01,489 --> 00:47:03,254
the girls will just go looking for looks,

1185
00:47:03,254 --> 00:47:05,354
but they won't notice that they're just looking

1186
00:47:05,354 --> 00:47:07,520
for someone who's not a geek.

1187
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:12,450
Well, at our church, a lot of the godliest guys are kind of geeky.

1188
00:47:12,450 --> 00:47:15,660
And since the Lord doesn't choose many wise things,

1189
00:47:15,660 --> 00:47:19,938
a lot of Christians are a little geeky.

1190
00:47:19,938 --> 00:47:22,176
That's just the way it is.

1191
00:47:22,176 --> 00:47:24,954
He just doesn't choose from the world's

1192
00:47:24,954 --> 00:47:27,116
cream of the crop.

1193
00:47:27,116 --> 00:47:29,955
And so if you're looking for that,

1194
00:47:29,955 --> 00:47:32,177
you won't find it.

1195
00:47:32,177 --> 00:47:34,178
And you'll be disappointed.

1196
00:47:34,178 --> 00:47:36,057
And so you need to think:

1197
00:47:36,057 --> 00:47:38,166
"who am I?" before you think about marriage,

1198
00:47:38,166 --> 00:47:40,333
and you need to think: what should I be looking for?

1199
00:47:40,333 --> 00:47:42,800
And you need to have a biblically transformed mind

1200
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:44,447
about what the Lord values.

1201
00:47:44,447 --> 00:47:46,589
He values the gentle and quiet spirit.

1202
00:47:46,589 --> 00:47:48,664
He values the fear of the Lord.

1203
00:47:48,664 --> 00:47:51,644
He values a Christlike character.

1204
00:47:51,644 --> 00:47:53,994
The third thing is before you seek to be married,

1205
00:47:53,994 --> 00:47:56,816
you need to know what you're getting into.

1206
00:47:56,816 --> 00:47:58,880
The problem is we talk about:

1207
00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:00,726
I want to get married.

1208
00:48:00,726 --> 00:48:03,370
People have no idea what marriage is.

1209
00:48:03,370 --> 00:48:05,209
I was at a wedding just recently,

1210
00:48:05,209 --> 00:48:07,673
and a good old seasoned pastor said

1211
00:48:07,673 --> 00:48:09,919
to his dear daughter and her future husband

1212
00:48:09,919 --> 00:48:11,862
as they were standing before the altar.

1213
00:48:11,862 --> 00:48:17,995
He said, "you have no idea what you're about to do."

1214
00:48:17,995 --> 00:48:20,593
And you need to realize that marriage,

1215
00:48:20,593 --> 00:48:23,199
it is a sexual relationship.

1216
00:48:23,199 --> 00:48:25,073
Yes.

1217
00:48:25,073 --> 00:48:29,340
It is a romantic relationship - yes.

1218
00:48:29,340 --> 00:48:31,966
It is a business relationship

1219
00:48:31,966 --> 00:48:33,731
where you pay bills together

1220
00:48:33,731 --> 00:48:35,331
and you organize a home together

1221
00:48:35,331 --> 00:48:36,942
and you change sheets together.

1222
00:48:36,942 --> 00:48:40,657
And you scrub the bottom of the pots out together.

1223
00:48:40,657 --> 00:48:43,721
It is a business relationship.

1224
00:48:43,721 --> 00:48:46,715
It is a relationship with spheres.

1225
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:48,897
You aren't going to be together all the time.

1226
00:48:48,897 --> 00:48:50,249
People get married and think

1227
00:48:50,249 --> 00:48:52,102
now we're going to have more time together.

1228
00:48:52,102 --> 00:48:53,547
No. It doesn't work.

1229
00:48:53,547 --> 00:48:58,986
It is a relationship with extended families

1230
00:48:58,986 --> 00:49:01,207
where you are involved with moms

1231
00:49:01,207 --> 00:49:03,162
and dads and uncles and aunts

1232
00:49:03,162 --> 00:49:05,738
and family traditions that you don't understand

1233
00:49:05,738 --> 00:49:10,277
and don't relate to.

1234
00:49:10,277 --> 00:49:13,966
It is a relationship with Alzheimer's

1235
00:49:13,966 --> 00:49:15,688
where you spend a half a decade

1236
00:49:15,688 --> 00:49:17,497
or a decade nursing someone who forgot

1237
00:49:17,497 --> 00:49:21,409
everything kind you ever did to them.

1238
00:49:21,409 --> 00:49:23,423
And the minute a person remembers that

1239
00:49:23,423 --> 00:49:29,597
it just changes who you want to go on a date with.

1240
00:49:29,597 --> 00:49:31,697
It's not that this guy's really funny

1241
00:49:31,697 --> 00:49:32,920
and tells great jokes

1242
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:35,951
and takes me to the best restaurants.

1243
00:49:35,951 --> 00:49:37,441
What would this guy be like

1244
00:49:37,441 --> 00:49:40,687
if I had no memory?

1245
00:49:40,687 --> 00:49:42,792
And there was no one to watch over him

1246
00:49:42,792 --> 00:49:45,994
to decide whether he would take care of me.

1247
00:49:45,994 --> 00:49:51,162
Has he got a Christ-loving sense of duty in his heart?

1248
00:49:51,162 --> 00:49:53,070
Is he humble?

1249
00:49:53,070 --> 00:49:54,887
All of a sudden, the girls that aren't

1250
00:49:54,887 --> 00:49:56,909
picture perfect pretty and the geeky guy's

1251
00:49:56,909 --> 00:50:03,314
got a chance now, don't they?

1252
00:50:03,314 --> 00:50:05,686
We should seek to think about who we are first.

1253
00:50:05,686 --> 00:50:08,411
We should think about who we're looking for biblically.

1254
00:50:08,411 --> 00:50:09,771
And we should seek to know

1255
00:50:09,771 --> 00:50:11,421
what marriage is,

1256
00:50:11,421 --> 00:50:16,899
and it's a lot more than never-ending date nights.

1257
00:50:16,899 --> 00:50:18,759
Fourth thing: we should seek a spouse

1258
00:50:18,759 --> 00:50:21,949
in a community of brothers and sisters.

1259
00:50:21,949 --> 00:50:24,037
We should seek a spouse in a community

1260
00:50:24,037 --> 00:50:26,518
of brothers and sisters.

1261
00:50:26,518 --> 00:50:34,163
1 Corinthians 5:1-2

1262
00:50:34,163 --> 00:50:37,415
Especially to you young people,

1263
00:50:37,415 --> 00:50:41,242
and I include myself in that I suppose,

1264
00:50:41,242 --> 00:50:44,058
these are verses that have been

1265
00:50:44,058 --> 00:50:47,803
very helpful to me in just living the Christian life.

1266
00:50:47,803 --> 00:50:52,023
They just contain a lot of wisdom.

1267
00:50:52,023 --> 00:50:54,461
They don't contain a lot of doctrine.

1268
00:50:54,461 --> 00:50:56,198
They just contain a lot of wisdom.

1269
00:50:56,198 --> 00:50:58,174
But the funny part is that if you hold on

1270
00:50:58,174 --> 00:51:00,122
to your doctrine without a lot of wisdom,

1271
00:51:00,122 --> 00:51:05,449
you don't get very far, do you?

1272
00:51:05,449 --> 00:51:07,853
1 Corinthians 5:1

1273
00:51:07,853 --> 00:51:12,521
"Do not rebuke an older man,

1274
00:51:12,521 --> 00:51:16,505
but encourage him as you would a father."

1275
00:51:16,505 --> 00:51:18,891
And just because you became a Calvinist yesterday

1276
00:51:18,891 --> 00:51:21,064
doesn't mean that verse isn't in the Bible.

1277
00:51:21,064 --> 00:51:22,589
(from the room) Where are you?

1278
00:51:22,589 --> 00:51:25,325
Ryan: 1 Timothy - did I say 1 Corinthians?

1279
00:51:25,325 --> 00:51:29,553
I'm so sorry.

1280
00:51:29,553 --> 00:51:33,089
Thank you.

1281
00:51:33,089 --> 00:51:42,055
Yeah, 1 Corinthians 5 is very different isn't it?

1282
00:51:42,055 --> 00:51:50,271
There's wisdom there too, but of a different kind.

1283
00:51:50,271 --> 00:51:53,153
"Do not rebuke an older man,

1284
00:51:53,153 --> 00:51:57,226
but encourage him as you would a father."

1285
00:51:57,226 --> 00:51:58,679
And sometimes, guys, they get into

1286
00:51:58,679 --> 00:52:01,155
a new theology,

1287
00:52:01,155 --> 00:52:03,395
and they go to the old men of their church

1288
00:52:03,395 --> 00:52:04,279
and they go,

1289
00:52:04,279 --> 00:52:06,584
"You need to see the truths of the Scriptures!"

1290
00:52:06,584 --> 00:52:08,317
And the guy's like, I've never seen that before.

1291
00:52:08,317 --> 00:52:09,683
"Well, you're a fool!"

1292
00:52:09,683 --> 00:52:13,929
And the guy says, "you're 18."

1293
00:52:13,929 --> 00:52:15,874
And the young man walks away going,

1294
00:52:15,874 --> 00:52:19,530
"the men of my church don't have a heart for truth."

1295
00:52:19,530 --> 00:52:21,371
And the older man walks away going,

1296
00:52:21,371 --> 00:52:22,865
"The 18 year olds of my church

1297
00:52:22,865 --> 00:52:27,203
don't have a bit of wisdom."

1298
00:52:27,203 --> 00:52:31,353
You don't rebuke an older man.

1299
00:52:31,353 --> 00:52:33,813
You encourage him

1300
00:52:33,813 --> 00:52:36,843
as a father.

1301
00:52:36,843 --> 00:52:41,354
I've said some hard things to my father in my life,

1302
00:52:41,354 --> 00:52:43,944
but the way you talk to a father is very different

1303
00:52:43,944 --> 00:52:49,680
than the way you talk to your buddy.

1304
00:52:49,680 --> 00:52:54,751
"...older women as mothers."

1305
00:52:54,751 --> 00:52:56,061
Older women as mothers.

1306
00:52:56,061 --> 00:52:59,467
You don't just spar with your mother

1307
00:52:59,467 --> 00:53:01,462
the way you spar theologically

1308
00:53:01,462 --> 00:53:03,397
with your roommate.

1309
00:53:03,397 --> 00:53:07,145
That won't go very well for you.

1310
00:53:07,145 --> 00:53:11,106
She'll have the "I'm your mother" reflex.

1311
00:53:11,106 --> 00:53:13,377
And the Lord wants us to honor those things.

1312
00:53:13,377 --> 00:53:17,473
Those are real dynamics in the world.

1313
00:53:17,473 --> 00:53:20,152
That older men ought to be honored.

1314
00:53:20,152 --> 00:53:24,473
That older women should be honored as well.

1315
00:53:24,473 --> 00:53:27,549
Then he says, "...younger women as sisters

1316
00:53:27,549 --> 00:53:30,008
in all purity."

1317
00:53:30,008 --> 00:53:32,849
In the church, there ought to be

1318
00:53:32,849 --> 00:53:34,923
a brotherly and a sisterly relationship

1319
00:53:34,923 --> 00:53:36,798
between the men and the women of the church -

1320
00:53:36,798 --> 00:53:39,645
single and married.

1321
00:53:39,645 --> 00:53:41,554
And far too often,

1322
00:53:41,554 --> 00:53:45,459
the church only reads part of this verse.

1323
00:53:45,459 --> 00:53:46,990
We read "in all purity."

1324
00:53:46,990 --> 00:53:48,665
That's right. I'm going to be pure.

1325
00:53:48,665 --> 00:53:51,039
And so you've got men who are coming out of sexual struggles.

1326
00:53:51,039 --> 00:53:52,922
You've got women coming out of sexual struggles.

1327
00:53:52,922 --> 00:53:54,895
You have people coming out of impure lives.

1328
00:53:54,895 --> 00:53:57,269
And they're just worried that they're not going to look at each other;

1329
00:53:57,269 --> 00:53:58,311
they're not going to lust after each other;

1330
00:53:58,311 --> 00:53:59,785
they're not going to say anything crass.

1331
00:53:59,785 --> 00:54:01,696
And that's good to a point.

1332
00:54:01,696 --> 00:54:02,566
That's good.

1333
00:54:02,566 --> 00:54:04,280
It's good for men to be concerned

1334
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:06,246
to look at their sisters in all purity.

1335
00:54:06,246 --> 00:54:08,463
To not say anything crass.

1336
00:54:08,463 --> 00:54:10,879
To be gentlemen and gentlewomen

1337
00:54:10,879 --> 00:54:13,612
in the way they relate to one another.

1338
00:54:13,612 --> 00:54:15,758
But far too often what happens is

1339
00:54:15,758 --> 00:54:17,309
there just becomes an uneasiness

1340
00:54:17,309 --> 00:54:18,713
and we never really get to the point

1341
00:54:18,713 --> 00:54:22,179
where Christ wants us to be family.

1342
00:54:22,179 --> 00:54:24,314
Brothers and sisters.

1343
00:54:24,314 --> 00:54:26,099
This was a major turning point for me

1344
00:54:26,099 --> 00:54:28,137
in thinking about the battle against lust;

1345
00:54:28,137 --> 00:54:30,030
realizing that the battle against lust

1346
00:54:30,030 --> 00:54:31,930
is not just that you stop lusting,

1347
00:54:31,930 --> 00:54:34,793
it's that you start loving sisters.

1348
00:54:34,793 --> 00:54:36,636
You start caring for them.

1349
00:54:36,636 --> 00:54:38,471
Asking how they're doing.

1350
00:54:38,471 --> 00:54:40,211
Which means that in the church,

1351
00:54:40,211 --> 00:54:41,708
it ought to be very common for

1352
00:54:41,708 --> 00:54:43,633
single men and single women to be saying

1353
00:54:43,633 --> 00:54:47,119
what's the Father teaching you?

1354
00:54:47,119 --> 00:54:50,987
Brothers and sisters do talk about their fathers right?

1355
00:54:50,987 --> 00:54:53,166
What's the Father teaching you?

1356
00:54:53,166 --> 00:54:55,625
How is the Father's work progressing in Indonesia?

1357
00:54:55,625 --> 00:54:58,054
I know you went there last year.

1358
00:54:58,054 --> 00:55:00,365
How are things going in your small group?

1359
00:55:00,365 --> 00:55:02,689
Are things encouraging you?

1360
00:55:02,689 --> 00:55:04,413
And when you see a man and a woman

1361
00:55:04,413 --> 00:55:06,305
talking like that, the church ought not

1362
00:55:06,305 --> 00:55:11,275
walk by and go "I wonder what's happening between them?"

1363
00:55:11,275 --> 00:55:12,806
I'll tell you what's happening.

1364
00:55:12,806 --> 00:55:14,832
They're being brothers and sisters.

1365
00:55:14,832 --> 00:55:17,250
End of story.

1366
00:55:17,250 --> 00:55:19,413
And just because groups are going out together,

1367
00:55:19,413 --> 00:55:21,107
it can be very good for young people

1368
00:55:21,107 --> 00:55:23,421
to go out in groups and to spend time in groups

1369
00:55:23,421 --> 00:55:25,189
and just because two people begin to

1370
00:55:25,189 --> 00:55:26,868
encourage each other

1371
00:55:26,868 --> 00:55:28,892
or maybe they even have coffee one time

1372
00:55:28,892 --> 00:55:33,894
doesn't mean they're on the edge of being married.

1373
00:55:33,894 --> 00:55:36,993
And it adds a pressure and puts the church

1374
00:55:36,993 --> 00:55:39,344
in a pressure cooker situation

1375
00:55:39,344 --> 00:55:40,691
where all of a sudden,

1376
00:55:40,691 --> 00:55:42,317
as soon as there's any interaction

1377
00:55:42,317 --> 00:55:44,523
between a man and a woman at all,

1378
00:55:44,523 --> 00:55:47,840
we're asking: are you getting married?

1379
00:55:47,840 --> 00:55:50,604
I was a little bit nervous about sharing this,

1380
00:55:50,604 --> 00:55:54,976
because I don't know if it really applies to you.

1381
00:55:54,976 --> 00:55:59,249
But this was something that affected our fellowship.

1382
00:55:59,249 --> 00:56:03,763
In our fellowship, there is a real commitment to purity.

1383
00:56:03,763 --> 00:56:05,865
And a real commitment to not just dating

1384
00:56:05,865 --> 00:56:07,334
the way the world does,

1385
00:56:07,334 --> 00:56:09,250
and sort of having 20,000 relationships

1386
00:56:09,250 --> 00:56:10,859
and you fall sexually in each of them

1387
00:56:10,859 --> 00:56:12,320
and then you get back up and do it again

1388
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:14,351
until eventually you get married and stay pure.

1389
00:56:14,351 --> 00:56:17,999
We really don't want to do that.

1390
00:56:17,999 --> 00:56:20,619
But there was so much desire not to do that

1391
00:56:20,619 --> 00:56:21,907
and so much desire to say,

1392
00:56:21,907 --> 00:56:23,874
if you're in a relationship, it better be intentional.

1393
00:56:23,874 --> 00:56:25,572
It better not just be some free-floating relationship.

1394
00:56:25,572 --> 00:56:28,165
That basically the guys were sitting there going

1395
00:56:28,165 --> 00:56:30,256
I dare not ask her out for even a coffee

1396
00:56:30,256 --> 00:56:31,746
because if I do, she's going to think

1397
00:56:31,746 --> 00:56:33,862
I want to marry her.

1398
00:56:33,862 --> 00:56:35,604
And the girls are like,

1399
00:56:35,604 --> 00:56:37,249
he better not ask me for coffee

1400
00:56:37,249 --> 00:56:38,635
because what he really means

1401
00:56:38,635 --> 00:56:40,588
is he wants to marry me.

1402
00:56:40,588 --> 00:56:42,481
And so there was no context for people

1403
00:56:42,481 --> 00:56:45,530
to even get to know each other

1404
00:56:45,530 --> 00:56:48,454
where they could just spend a little bit of time together.

1405
00:56:48,454 --> 00:56:50,428
I'm not talking about 18 romantic dinners

1406
00:56:50,428 --> 00:56:52,734
where no one knows what's going on.

1407
00:56:52,734 --> 00:56:54,670
But there could just be some interaction

1408
00:56:54,670 --> 00:56:57,168
at a healthy level between brothers and sisters

1409
00:56:57,168 --> 00:57:00,267
where a relationship actually could develop.

1410
00:57:00,267 --> 00:57:03,571
And so in our zeal to stay pure,

1411
00:57:03,571 --> 00:57:08,807
we can create these smothering atmospheres

1412
00:57:08,807 --> 00:57:11,673
where you can't even get to know anyone.

1413
00:57:11,673 --> 00:57:13,490
And the church ought to be encouraging

1414
00:57:13,490 --> 00:57:15,744
the brotherly and the sisterly interactions.

1415
00:57:15,744 --> 00:57:17,441
So that means, married couples,

1416
00:57:17,441 --> 00:57:18,885
when you invite singles over to your house,

1417
00:57:18,885 --> 00:57:21,431
you don't just always invite one guy

1418
00:57:21,431 --> 00:57:23,541
and the one girl and they're like,

1419
00:57:23,541 --> 00:57:26,811
I guess I know why we're here.

1420
00:57:26,811 --> 00:57:29,544
We're being set up.

1421
00:57:29,544 --> 00:57:31,614
Invite lots of people over.

1422
00:57:31,614 --> 00:57:34,554
Do lots of things together.

1423
00:57:34,554 --> 00:57:36,119
And let me speak to the singles.

1424
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:38,113
If you're brothers and sisters in Christ,

1425
00:57:38,113 --> 00:57:40,100
that doesn't mean that the main thing you do

1426
00:57:40,100 --> 00:57:41,684
is go to G-rated movies together

1427
00:57:41,684 --> 00:57:43,977
or to movies you feel you could watch before Jesus.

1428
00:57:43,977 --> 00:57:45,178
You can decide that yourself.

1429
00:57:45,178 --> 00:57:46,890
I'm not saying movies are always wrong.

1430
00:57:46,890 --> 00:57:48,942
But what I am saying is that the main obligation

1431
00:57:48,942 --> 00:57:50,243
of every Christian is not primarily

1432
00:57:50,243 --> 00:57:53,579
to entertain themselves biblically.

1433
00:57:53,579 --> 00:57:56,307
It's to love widows and orphans.

1434
00:57:56,307 --> 00:57:58,810
It's to care for the needy.

1435
00:57:58,810 --> 00:58:00,212
And so it shouldn't always be

1436
00:58:00,212 --> 00:58:02,424
hey, a bunch of us are going to a movie this Friday night.

1437
00:58:02,424 --> 00:58:03,342
It should often be,

1438
00:58:03,342 --> 00:58:05,535
hey, a bunch of us are going to a nursing home

1439
00:58:05,535 --> 00:58:07,608
this Friday night to speak the Gospel

1440
00:58:07,608 --> 00:58:09,334
and to visit with the older people

1441
00:58:09,334 --> 00:58:10,575
and to sing hymns.

1442
00:58:10,575 --> 00:58:12,292
Hey, on Saturday, we're going to go

1443
00:58:12,292 --> 00:58:14,595
and care for some shut-ins in the church,

1444
00:58:14,595 --> 00:58:15,913
and we're going to take all the single people

1445
00:58:15,913 --> 00:58:17,774
to all the different houses and have a great time

1446
00:58:17,774 --> 00:58:19,215
as brothers and sisters -

1447
00:58:19,215 --> 00:58:22,654
two key words: in Christ.

1448
00:58:22,654 --> 00:58:25,050
Doing what Christians do.

1449
00:58:25,050 --> 00:58:27,582
Now listen, when my daughter turns 18,

1450
00:58:27,582 --> 00:58:29,734
if she says, hey, there's a bunch of people from the church

1451
00:58:29,734 --> 00:58:31,263
going to the nursing home today.

1452
00:58:31,263 --> 00:58:32,056
Can I go?

1453
00:58:32,056 --> 00:58:35,208
The answer is yes.

1454
00:58:35,208 --> 00:58:37,475
I don't need to go watch that movie first

1455
00:58:37,475 --> 00:58:39,245
before she gets to go.

1456
00:58:39,245 --> 00:58:42,740
I know that one's ok.

1457
00:58:42,740 --> 00:58:45,136
And I'm not saying all entertainment is wrong.

1458
00:58:45,136 --> 00:58:47,377
I am just saying any entertainment,

1459
00:58:47,377 --> 00:58:49,018
no matter how good it is, is not

1460
00:58:49,018 --> 00:58:51,786
the dominant thrust of the Christian life.

1461
00:58:51,786 --> 00:58:55,371
The dominant thrust of the Christian life is service.

1462
00:58:55,371 --> 00:58:57,166
You've got Christians who think that

1463
00:58:57,166 --> 00:58:59,129
because their kids watch 30 hours of Veggie Tales

1464
00:58:59,129 --> 00:59:03,765
they're holy.

1465
00:59:03,765 --> 00:59:05,348
That's ridiculous.

1466
00:59:05,348 --> 00:59:08,269
Children ought to be being trained to be like Jesus.

1467
00:59:08,269 --> 00:59:10,134
And Jesus was with prostitutes

1468
00:59:10,134 --> 00:59:11,153
and tax collectors,

1469
00:59:11,153 --> 00:59:21,936
not tomatoes and cucumbers.

1470
00:59:21,936 --> 00:59:23,089
I'll say them quickly,

1471
00:59:23,089 --> 00:59:25,954
but if we're going to be brothers and sisters,

1472
00:59:25,954 --> 00:59:28,857
then men, you need to cut out the pornography.

1473
00:59:28,857 --> 00:59:32,428
And women need to cut out the pornography.

1474
00:59:32,428 --> 00:59:34,494
And if you're going to be brothers and sisters,

1475
00:59:34,494 --> 00:59:37,551
you need to dress in modesty.

1476
00:59:37,551 --> 00:59:39,072
When it's very hard to watch

1477
00:59:39,072 --> 00:59:43,183
the portions of your body you're showing in public,

1478
00:59:43,183 --> 00:59:44,826
or that you've wrapped in spandex

1479
00:59:44,826 --> 00:59:47,096
so that there's no imagination needed.

1480
00:59:47,096 --> 00:59:50,738
It's very hard for anyone to act like your brother or sister

1481
00:59:50,738 --> 00:59:53,657
and to get the kind of ease and comfort

1482
00:59:53,657 --> 00:59:56,584
that just come when a woman is dressed modestly

1483
00:59:56,584 --> 00:59:58,588
and a man speaks modestly.

1484
00:59:58,588 --> 01:00:00,445
When that happens, they can just begin

1485
01:00:00,445 --> 01:00:15,694
to interact in greater freedom.

1486
01:00:15,694 --> 01:00:19,573
Next point.

1487
01:00:19,573 --> 01:00:23,052
All of this you should seek eventually

1488
01:00:23,052 --> 01:00:26,834
in the context of authority.

1489
01:00:26,834 --> 01:00:28,783
Seeking happens as brothers and sisters.

1490
01:00:28,783 --> 01:00:30,483
And eventually, you may find someone

1491
01:00:30,483 --> 01:00:33,489
you want to get to know a little better.

1492
01:00:33,489 --> 01:00:35,849
But seeking happens under the authority

1493
01:00:35,849 --> 01:00:37,478
and guidance of fathers, mothers,

1494
01:00:37,478 --> 01:00:39,858
pastors, and friends.

1495
01:00:39,858 --> 01:00:41,963
Seeking happens under the authority

1496
01:00:41,963 --> 01:00:44,671
and guidance of fathers, mothers,

1497
01:00:44,671 --> 01:00:47,719
pastors, and friends.

1498
01:00:47,719 --> 01:00:51,783
The Lord wants you to live your life under authority.

1499
01:00:51,783 --> 01:00:52,808
First: His.

1500
01:00:52,808 --> 01:00:54,535
"All authority on heaven and earth

1501
01:00:54,535 --> 01:00:56,634
has been given to Me."

1502
01:00:56,634 --> 01:00:59,521
Teach people to obey everything I've commanded.

1503
01:00:59,521 --> 01:01:01,119
We're first under His authority,

1504
01:01:01,119 --> 01:01:03,365
but we're under the authority of our government.

1505
01:01:03,365 --> 01:01:06,089
Romans 13:1 tells us that the government

1506
01:01:06,089 --> 01:01:07,497
is a minister of God

1507
01:01:07,497 --> 01:01:09,923
and we're to submit to the government.

1508
01:01:09,923 --> 01:01:12,123
Even if we didn't vote for them,

1509
01:01:12,123 --> 01:01:15,820
we're to submit to them.

1510
01:01:15,820 --> 01:01:18,898
In 1 Peter and Hebrews 13,

1511
01:01:18,898 --> 01:01:20,820
we're told to submit to our leaders -

1512
01:01:20,820 --> 01:01:22,207
the pastors of our church

1513
01:01:22,207 --> 01:01:24,949
should be submitted to and honored

1514
01:01:24,949 --> 01:01:27,015
and followed.

1515
01:01:27,015 --> 01:01:29,392
In Ephesians 6:1-4,

1516
01:01:29,392 --> 01:01:31,903
children are told to obey their parents

1517
01:01:31,903 --> 01:01:34,948
and to honor them.

1518
01:01:34,948 --> 01:01:39,797
And there is safety under godly authority.

1519
01:01:39,797 --> 01:01:46,433
And there's blessing under godly authority.

1520
01:01:46,433 --> 01:01:52,586
Eve was deceived, not because women are more gullible,

1521
01:01:52,586 --> 01:01:57,050
but because she came out from under godly authority -

1522
01:01:57,050 --> 01:01:59,798
the authority of Adam in that context.

1523
01:01:59,798 --> 01:02:03,238
There's always danger in leaving authority.

1524
01:02:03,238 --> 01:02:05,897
And there will be different things happening

1525
01:02:05,897 --> 01:02:07,188
among different families,

1526
01:02:07,188 --> 01:02:08,549
so I have to be very careful here.

1527
01:02:08,549 --> 01:02:10,178
In my family, you want to know how this is going to work?

1528
01:02:10,178 --> 01:02:11,332
I'll tell you how it's going to work.

1529
01:02:11,332 --> 01:02:13,416
My daughter's been told since the earliest day,

1530
01:02:13,416 --> 01:02:15,818
when that boy asks you for phone number,

1531
01:02:15,818 --> 01:02:21,795
you give him mine.

1532
01:02:21,795 --> 01:02:28,835
I've heard others say that, but it's true.

1533
01:02:28,835 --> 01:02:30,859
But that might change.

1534
01:02:30,859 --> 01:02:32,860
If she's 25 and away at college

1535
01:02:32,860 --> 01:02:34,600
and she's sufficiently mature

1536
01:02:34,600 --> 01:02:35,878
and walking a godly life,

1537
01:02:35,878 --> 01:02:38,230
and she wants to have coffee a couple times

1538
01:02:38,230 --> 01:02:41,049
with a guy, there will be liberty for that.

1539
01:02:41,049 --> 01:02:42,678
There's no law is there.

1540
01:02:42,678 --> 01:02:46,077
Which verse are you going to use

1541
01:02:46,077 --> 01:02:50,027
to prove she's got to do it just that way?

1542
01:02:50,027 --> 01:02:53,508
So that's going to be something between fathers and daughters.

1543
01:02:53,508 --> 01:02:55,088
And fathers and sons.

1544
01:02:55,088 --> 01:02:56,519
You know, a lot of times we put the emphasis

1545
01:02:56,519 --> 01:02:57,559
on fathers and daughters.

1546
01:02:57,559 --> 01:02:59,474
Fathers, you have authority over your daughters

1547
01:02:59,474 --> 01:03:00,571
to keep them from marrying.

1548
01:03:00,571 --> 01:03:02,610
Well, listen, if you've got some boy

1549
01:03:02,610 --> 01:03:05,570
who's a wild boar of a man;

1550
01:03:05,570 --> 01:03:07,769
a wild ox who might kill someone,

1551
01:03:07,769 --> 01:03:12,564
you ought to keep him off the playing field.

1552
01:03:12,564 --> 01:03:13,864
You're dating who?

1553
01:03:13,864 --> 01:03:15,198
No, I'm calling her.

1554
01:03:15,198 --> 01:03:19,468
Don't date my son. He's an ungodly man.

1555
01:03:19,468 --> 01:03:24,200
It's not just a girl thing.

1556
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:27,334
And so I don't know how each family will set this up,

1557
01:03:27,334 --> 01:03:28,751
but I would suggest to you

1558
01:03:28,751 --> 01:03:31,922
that if you have godly parents,

1559
01:03:31,922 --> 01:03:35,648
you give them great heed

1560
01:03:35,648 --> 01:03:39,213
in the choice of a spouse.

1561
01:03:39,213 --> 01:03:41,343
If you have ungodly parents,

1562
01:03:41,343 --> 01:03:43,878
you still ought to give them heed

1563
01:03:43,878 --> 01:03:45,621
in the choice of a spouse.

1564
01:03:45,621 --> 01:03:47,118
1 Peter 3

1565
01:03:47,118 --> 01:03:49,874
A woman is to submit even to her ungodly parents.

1566
01:03:49,874 --> 01:03:52,258
Just because a woman's parents are not Christians,

1567
01:03:52,258 --> 01:03:55,829
doesn't mean there isn't some common grace.

1568
01:03:55,829 --> 01:03:57,677
We had a situation at Immanuel

1569
01:03:57,677 --> 01:04:01,061
where a man was involved in

1570
01:04:01,061 --> 01:04:04,786
some serious, perverse sexual sin.

1571
01:04:04,786 --> 01:04:06,740
And we found out about it in the midst of

1572
01:04:06,740 --> 01:04:08,280
some pre-marriage counseling.

1573
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:11,051
He was on the edge of marrying one of our young ladies.

1574
01:04:11,051 --> 01:04:13,794
And we began to move in to break them up immediately

1575
01:04:13,794 --> 01:04:16,852
because he was not ready to be married.

1576
01:04:16,852 --> 01:04:19,841
It was not even clear he was converted.

1577
01:04:19,841 --> 01:04:23,797
And I had this lady in my living room for hours

1578
01:04:23,797 --> 01:04:25,322
and she wanted to marry him.

1579
01:04:25,322 --> 01:04:28,054
It was too late. She loved him.

1580
01:04:28,054 --> 01:04:30,428
And I said to her, if I told your dad,

1581
01:04:30,428 --> 01:04:32,055
who was not a Christian;

1582
01:04:32,055 --> 01:04:34,100
if I told your dad what this guy was into,

1583
01:04:34,100 --> 01:04:35,129
what would happen?

1584
01:04:35,129 --> 01:04:37,461
She's like, "he'd kill him."

1585
01:04:37,461 --> 01:04:39,412
That was the basic idea.

1586
01:04:39,412 --> 01:04:41,718
She said he wouldn't let him marry me.

1587
01:04:41,718 --> 01:04:43,185
And there are many times where

1588
01:04:43,185 --> 01:04:46,815
a non-Christian parent has the common sense

1589
01:04:46,815 --> 01:04:48,842
to protect their child.

1590
01:04:48,842 --> 01:04:52,863
And you ought to be slow to dismiss their counsel.

1591
01:04:52,863 --> 01:04:54,434
There may be a time to dismiss

1592
01:04:54,434 --> 01:04:56,757
an ungodly parent's counsel,

1593
01:04:56,757 --> 01:05:00,052
but we ought to always be slow

1594
01:05:00,052 --> 01:05:01,654
to dismiss any of the counsel

1595
01:05:01,654 --> 01:05:05,038
from the authorities God has put above us.

1596
01:05:05,038 --> 01:05:07,853
And if you don't have godly parents,

1597
01:05:07,853 --> 01:05:10,168
you ought to be relying twice as hard

1598
01:05:10,168 --> 01:05:12,598
on your pastors.

1599
01:05:12,598 --> 01:05:13,927
Seeking your pastors.

1600
01:05:13,927 --> 01:05:16,032
Asking to get together with your pastors.

1601
01:05:16,032 --> 01:05:20,299
One of the first coffees I took my wife out on

1602
01:05:20,299 --> 01:05:23,776
was with my pastor.

1603
01:05:23,776 --> 01:05:25,902
You know, to get to know him,

1604
01:05:25,902 --> 01:05:28,398
and have him get to know her.

1605
01:05:28,398 --> 01:05:32,334
Because you want those authorities in your life caring for you.

1606
01:05:32,334 --> 01:05:34,199
Ravi Zacharias points out

1607
01:05:34,199 --> 01:05:36,860
that whenever we disobey one of the authorities

1608
01:05:36,860 --> 01:05:38,586
God has put over us,

1609
01:05:38,586 --> 01:05:41,654
we need to be doubly sure

1610
01:05:41,654 --> 01:05:43,577
that we're doing what's right.

1611
01:05:43,577 --> 01:05:46,160
There are times we say we must obey God

1612
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:47,611
rather than man.

1613
01:05:47,611 --> 01:05:50,963
But we have to be doubly sure in those situations.

1614
01:05:50,963 --> 01:05:55,102
Word to fathers and mothers.

1615
01:05:55,102 --> 01:05:57,647
Neglect your daughter and your son for 18 years

1616
01:05:57,647 --> 01:05:59,890
and then step in real hard with authority

1617
01:05:59,890 --> 01:06:01,435
right before they get married.

1618
01:06:01,435 --> 01:06:05,867
That will go well for you.

1619
01:06:05,867 --> 01:06:08,355
Press them down.

1620
01:06:08,355 --> 01:06:10,912
Be controlling.

1621
01:06:10,912 --> 01:06:14,113
Don't show your heart to be out for their best.

1622
01:06:14,113 --> 01:06:16,405
And then wonder why they don't want to ask you

1623
01:06:16,405 --> 01:06:20,587
who they should date and marry.

1624
01:06:20,587 --> 01:06:22,256
The collateral you will need

1625
01:06:22,256 --> 01:06:23,939
to guide your son and your daughter

1626
01:06:23,939 --> 01:06:25,301
at that moment of decision

1627
01:06:25,301 --> 01:06:29,750
is being earned or lost right now.

1628
01:06:29,750 --> 01:06:31,431
The way you're treating them now -

1629
01:06:31,431 --> 01:06:32,594
do they have a sense,

1630
01:06:32,594 --> 01:06:35,029
my father and mother would drop everything for me

1631
01:06:35,029 --> 01:06:36,091
to serve me?

1632
01:06:36,091 --> 01:06:37,387
They're out for my good.

1633
01:06:37,387 --> 01:06:39,520
They want to protect me from what's evil

1634
01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:41,149
and give me over to what's good,

1635
01:06:41,149 --> 01:06:42,689
and they long to see me married.

1636
01:06:42,689 --> 01:06:44,586
And they will give me up -

1637
01:06:44,586 --> 01:06:46,439
they aren't eager to just control me.

1638
01:06:46,439 --> 01:06:48,849
If your children don't have that sense,

1639
01:06:48,849 --> 01:06:52,984
they should go to you, but they might not.

1640
01:06:52,984 --> 01:06:58,188
You see what I'm saying?

1641
01:06:58,188 --> 01:07:00,366
Ok, a few more points and then

1642
01:07:00,366 --> 01:07:05,521
we'll open it up for questions.

1643
01:07:05,521 --> 01:07:09,558
Seeking happens with an eye to compatibility.

1644
01:07:09,558 --> 01:07:13,664
Seeking happens with an eye to compatibility.

1645
01:07:13,664 --> 01:07:17,120
You ought to be eager to be compatible

1646
01:07:17,120 --> 01:07:19,807
with the person you're marrying.

1647
01:07:19,807 --> 01:07:21,027
Which means first of all,

1648
01:07:21,027 --> 01:07:23,015
that you're both Christians.

1649
01:07:23,015 --> 01:07:25,413
Do not be unequally yoked.

1650
01:07:25,413 --> 01:07:28,014
It's wrong to marry a non-Christian.

1651
01:07:28,014 --> 01:07:29,710
And the heartbreak I've seen

1652
01:07:29,710 --> 01:07:31,079
in the course of my ministry

1653
01:07:31,079 --> 01:07:34,626
from women who married ungodly men;

1654
01:07:34,626 --> 01:07:36,804
that we even heard of last night.

1655
01:07:36,804 --> 01:07:42,671
We heard of a brother who his wife is struggling.

1656
01:07:42,671 --> 01:07:46,256
And that difficulty brings extreme heartache

1657
01:07:46,256 --> 01:07:48,051
and difficulty.

1658
01:07:48,051 --> 01:07:50,082
And you think it's divided and difficult

1659
01:07:50,082 --> 01:07:52,637
when you're married to a Christian?

1660
01:07:52,637 --> 01:07:54,798
It's doubly so.

1661
01:07:54,798 --> 01:07:58,407
"Quadruplably" so when married to an unbeliever.

1662
01:07:58,407 --> 01:08:00,053
And it just doesn't honor the Lord

1663
01:08:00,053 --> 01:08:03,679
and is not obedient to His Word.

1664
01:08:03,679 --> 01:08:05,870
Not only though should you both be Christians,

1665
01:08:05,870 --> 01:08:08,434
but it's probably wise to have a good deal

1666
01:08:08,434 --> 01:08:12,203
of theological compatibility.

1667
01:08:12,203 --> 01:08:13,825
Paul and Barnabas found things

1668
01:08:13,825 --> 01:08:15,553
they couldn't even work together on.

1669
01:08:15,553 --> 01:08:19,475
How much more difficult in marriage!

1670
01:08:19,475 --> 01:08:22,080
Different views on healing, different views on tongues,

1671
01:08:22,080 --> 01:08:24,069
different views on the sovereignty of God

1672
01:08:24,069 --> 01:08:30,944
will make difficulty in marriage.

1673
01:08:30,944 --> 01:08:34,780
I do also believe that it's wise

1674
01:08:34,780 --> 01:08:37,252
that the persons also be physically attracted

1675
01:08:37,252 --> 01:08:38,348
to one another.

1676
01:08:38,348 --> 01:08:40,097
Now, I've said a number of things

1677
01:08:40,097 --> 01:08:41,988
that sound like I don't believe that.

1678
01:08:41,988 --> 01:08:42,984
What I'm against is,

1679
01:08:42,984 --> 01:08:44,976
"I'm not getting married till I find a supermodel,"

1680
01:08:44,976 --> 01:08:47,541
and, "I'm not getting married till I find some perfect guy."

1681
01:08:47,541 --> 01:08:49,591
They don't exist. They're airbrushed.

1682
01:08:49,591 --> 01:08:51,586
The people in the magazines - they don't exist.

1683
01:08:51,586 --> 01:08:53,522
They aren't anywhere to be found.

1684
01:08:53,522 --> 01:08:56,958
So don't go looking for them to get married.

1685
01:08:56,958 --> 01:08:59,277
But if part of the joy of marriage

1686
01:08:59,277 --> 01:09:01,415
is coming together and it fights temptation,

1687
01:09:01,415 --> 01:09:03,121
there ought to be a sense in which

1688
01:09:03,121 --> 01:09:05,265
I want to be with this person.

1689
01:09:05,265 --> 01:09:06,696
And beauty is not wicked.

1690
01:09:06,696 --> 01:09:09,092
The Holy Spirit said Sarah was a beautiful woman.

1691
01:09:09,092 --> 01:09:12,292
Because she was.

1692
01:09:12,292 --> 01:09:14,559
And there ought to be a sense in which

1693
01:09:14,559 --> 01:09:18,058
a man and a woman want to be together

1694
01:09:18,058 --> 01:09:21,399
and have an attraction for each other.

1695
01:09:21,399 --> 01:09:23,196
But that ought to be taken soberly

1696
01:09:23,196 --> 01:09:25,092
in light of the context that we're in,

1697
01:09:25,092 --> 01:09:31,122
where we put way too much emphasis on that.

1698
01:09:31,122 --> 01:09:34,442
Last point.

1699
01:09:34,442 --> 01:09:39,726
Seeking a spouse happens in the context of purity.

1700
01:09:39,726 --> 01:09:40,748
While you're seeking,

1701
01:09:40,748 --> 01:09:42,382
whether it's some initial dating

1702
01:09:42,382 --> 01:09:44,127
or whether it's in some courtship,

1703
01:09:44,127 --> 01:09:46,004
or whether it's in an engagement time,

1704
01:09:46,004 --> 01:09:48,187
while you're seeking and on your way

1705
01:09:48,187 --> 01:09:49,842
to marriage, there ought to be

1706
01:09:49,842 --> 01:09:57,793
absolute and complete and total purity.

1707
01:09:57,793 --> 01:09:59,375
Let me just show one verse to you

1708
01:09:59,375 --> 01:10:00,246
on this matter.

1709
01:10:00,246 --> 01:10:02,165
This time it is in 1 Corinthians.

1710
01:10:02,165 --> 01:10:20,671
1 Corinthians 7

1711
01:10:20,671 --> 01:10:23,038
It says, "Now concerning the matters

1712
01:10:23,038 --> 01:10:24,998
about which you wrote..." (this is v. 1)

1713
01:10:24,998 --> 01:10:27,011
"Now concerning the matters about which

1714
01:10:27,011 --> 01:10:28,694
you wrote, it is good for a man

1715
01:10:28,694 --> 01:10:30,269
not to have sexual relations

1716
01:10:30,269 --> 01:10:31,594
with a woman."

1717
01:10:31,594 --> 01:10:33,969
Now that was something the Corinthians wrote to Paul.

1718
01:10:33,969 --> 01:10:35,787
They wrote, Paul, we think it might be good

1719
01:10:35,787 --> 01:10:37,526
for us not to have sexual relations with a woman.

1720
01:10:37,526 --> 01:10:38,594
They were in a church

1721
01:10:38,594 --> 01:10:40,106
where people were going to prostitutes;

1722
01:10:40,106 --> 01:10:42,420
where they'd been exposed to sexual immorality their whole life

1723
01:10:42,420 --> 01:10:43,666
and they're thinking, maybe we should

1724
01:10:43,666 --> 01:10:45,455
just get rid of this whole sexuality thing.

1725
01:10:45,455 --> 01:10:48,858
Maybe it's good for a man not even to be with a woman.

1726
01:10:48,858 --> 01:10:50,049
And Paul answers back,

1727
01:10:50,049 --> 01:10:52,510
no, no... "but because of temptation

1728
01:10:52,510 --> 01:10:54,307
to sexual immorality, each man

1729
01:10:54,307 --> 01:10:56,289
should have his own wife,

1730
01:10:56,289 --> 01:10:59,686
and each woman, her own husband."

1731
01:10:59,686 --> 01:11:01,598
And they should come together, he says.

1732
01:11:01,598 --> 01:11:03,215
But do you see what's happening here?

1733
01:11:03,215 --> 01:11:05,228
He says because of temptation,

1734
01:11:05,228 --> 01:11:07,329
you should get married.

1735
01:11:07,329 --> 01:11:09,265
He doesn't say because of temptation,

1736
01:11:09,265 --> 01:11:12,371
you should have a friend you have benefits with.

1737
01:11:12,371 --> 01:11:13,587
Because of temptation,

1738
01:11:13,587 --> 01:11:16,034
there should be masturbation or that kind of thing.

1739
01:11:16,034 --> 01:11:17,060
He doesn't say that.

1740
01:11:17,060 --> 01:11:18,655
He says because of temptation,

1741
01:11:18,655 --> 01:11:20,593
you should have a wife.

1742
01:11:20,593 --> 01:11:24,121
The context and the only context

1743
01:11:24,121 --> 01:11:29,148
for sexual expression is heterosexual marriage.

1744
01:11:29,148 --> 01:11:32,759
That is the only context for sexual expression.

1745
01:11:32,759 --> 01:11:35,982
(incomplete thought)

1746
01:11:35,982 --> 01:11:37,930
People always say, "where is the line?"

1747
01:11:37,930 --> 01:11:40,182
Well, I don't have a verse for that.

1748
01:11:40,182 --> 01:11:42,596
But, in 10 years of pastoral experience,

1749
01:11:42,596 --> 01:11:44,599
I have found once people start kissing,

1750
01:11:44,599 --> 01:11:48,180
it's really hard to turn back.

1751
01:11:48,180 --> 01:11:50,535
So, side hugging and holding hands

1752
01:11:50,535 --> 01:11:53,242
is probably about the limit.

1753
01:11:53,242 --> 01:11:55,401
But, I don't have chapter and verse.

1754
01:11:55,401 --> 01:11:56,707
But I would just say,

1755
01:11:56,707 --> 01:11:59,447
nothing that grieves the Holy Spirit.

1756
01:11:59,447 --> 01:12:02,093
Nothing that grieves your conscience.

1757
01:12:02,093 --> 01:12:07,131
Nothing that you wouldn't do with a sister.

1758
01:12:07,131 --> 01:12:10,107
Nothing you wouldn't do in front of her dad.

1759
01:12:10,107 --> 01:12:11,989
One of the counsels I got years ago

1760
01:12:11,989 --> 01:12:14,214
and I pass along to the men at the church is

1761
01:12:14,214 --> 01:12:18,050
make her dad your accountability partner.

1762
01:12:18,050 --> 01:12:20,772
That's very effective.

1763
01:12:20,772 --> 01:12:23,172
Two 21 year old guys:

1764
01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:25,837
"I fell last week." "Yeah, so did I."

1765
01:12:25,837 --> 01:12:28,633
"Let's pray."

1766
01:12:28,633 --> 01:12:29,991
"I fell this week again."

1767
01:12:29,991 --> 01:12:33,237
"Yeah, so did I. Let's pray."

1768
01:12:33,237 --> 01:12:35,542
You tell her dad once you touched her

1769
01:12:35,542 --> 01:12:41,267
and you won't touch her again.

1770
01:12:41,267 --> 01:12:44,137
You did what?

1771
01:12:44,137 --> 01:12:48,327
There's just a godly fear of fathers that's good.

1772
01:12:48,327 --> 01:12:50,779
That's a good blessing.

1773
01:12:50,779 --> 01:12:53,214
Sisters, you ought to love to put yourself

1774
01:12:53,214 --> 01:12:58,060
under your fathers in that way.

1775
01:12:58,060 --> 01:13:01,312
So, focus on who you are,

1776
01:13:01,312 --> 01:13:03,872
not on who they are.

1777
01:13:03,872 --> 01:13:06,427
Focus on having biblical desires,

1778
01:13:06,427 --> 01:13:08,533
not worldly desires.

1779
01:13:08,533 --> 01:13:13,117
Focus on knowing what marriage really is.

1780
01:13:13,117 --> 01:13:15,044
That it's not just a date night,

1781
01:13:15,044 --> 01:13:17,766
but it's a whole covenant for a whole life

1782
01:13:17,766 --> 01:13:22,398
of living and serving and dying together.

1783
01:13:22,398 --> 01:13:23,634
And then, not only that,

1784
01:13:23,634 --> 01:13:25,397
but realize that you come to this

1785
01:13:25,397 --> 01:13:27,803
as brothers and sisters.

1786
01:13:27,803 --> 01:13:29,285
This isn't a pick up place.

1787
01:13:29,285 --> 01:13:30,992
This is a church

1788
01:13:30,992 --> 01:13:35,385
where we are brothers and sisters first.

1789
01:13:35,385 --> 01:13:38,506
And then love the safety of authority.

1790
01:13:38,506 --> 01:13:40,551
Cultivate being good pastors

1791
01:13:40,551 --> 01:13:42,911
and good parents and good authorities

1792
01:13:42,911 --> 01:13:44,274
who can counsel

1793
01:13:44,274 --> 01:13:47,983
and who would be pursued for guidance.

1794
01:13:47,983 --> 01:13:49,423
And then on top of that,

1795
01:13:49,423 --> 01:13:52,447
do this with an eye to compatibility.

1796
01:13:52,447 --> 01:13:54,220
Is there compatibility between us?

1797
01:13:54,220 --> 01:13:57,515
And finally, are we remaining pure?

1798
01:13:57,515 --> 01:14:01,182
And notice I didn't say "pure until marriage."

1799
01:14:01,182 --> 01:14:04,791
Because once you're married, it's still pure.

1800
01:14:04,791 --> 01:14:07,642
It's not impure once you get married.

1801
01:14:07,642 --> 01:14:09,081
You're pure until marriage,

1802
01:14:09,081 --> 01:14:11,617
and then you're pure after marriage.

1803
01:14:11,617 --> 01:14:13,858
Let's pray that God would allow us to have

1804
01:14:13,858 --> 01:14:16,141
the purity that reflects Christ and the church

1805
01:14:16,141 --> 01:14:19,072
in all kinds of marriages through the church.

1806
01:14:19,072 --> 01:14:23,159
Father, thank You so much for Your Word.

1807
01:14:23,159 --> 01:14:24,639
Thank You for Your grace.

1808
01:14:24,639 --> 01:14:26,387
Thank You for Your help.

1809
01:14:26,387 --> 01:14:28,393
Thank You for Your light on our feet

1810
01:14:28,393 --> 01:14:30,083
and on our path.

1811
01:14:30,083 --> 01:14:33,074
And I pray that You'd help my brothers and sisters

1812
01:14:33,074 --> 01:14:34,398
to encourage each other.

1813
01:14:34,398 --> 01:14:36,866
Help the married people to encourage the singles;

1814
01:14:36,866 --> 01:14:37,774
to esteem them.

1815
01:14:37,774 --> 01:14:39,580
I pray they'd have a great place

1816
01:14:39,580 --> 01:14:42,106
in the body.

1817
01:14:42,106 --> 01:14:45,019
I pray that You'd be with suffering singles.

1818
01:14:45,019 --> 01:14:47,112
Help them to grieve.

1819
01:14:47,112 --> 01:14:49,619
Help them to be comforted.

1820
01:14:49,619 --> 01:14:51,896
And Lord God, I pray You'd be with those

1821
01:14:51,896 --> 01:14:53,128
who want to be married.

1822
01:14:53,128 --> 01:14:55,076
That You'd create a great context here

1823
01:14:55,076 --> 01:14:58,722
for people to meet and to come together

1824
01:14:58,722 --> 01:15:01,435
with those who they could honor You with

1825
01:15:01,435 --> 01:15:03,377
in marriage.

1826
01:15:03,377 --> 01:15:05,225
I pray this in Christ's name.

1827
01:15:05,225 --> 01:15:06,145
Amen.