Title: Question & Answers on Singleness (Part 5) Meta: Are you required to be married to be an elder? How do the principles of Biblical Womanhood apply to single women? What are some thoughts on long distance relationships? Is using the Internet to find your spouse sinful? Tags: ryan,fullerton,single,dating,matchmaking,marriage,female,guy,relationship,Christian 1 00:00:04,383 --> 00:00:07,456 Question: So, with the various admonitions from Timothy 2 00:00:07,456 --> 00:00:11,513 about a man - let's say a single man, 3 00:00:11,513 --> 00:00:14,930 who wants to possibly in the future maybe 4 00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:18,267 enter a pastor role of some sort, 5 00:00:18,267 --> 00:00:22,136 or maybe God may be calling him to that. 6 00:00:22,136 --> 00:00:24,964 How does that play into being married? 7 00:00:24,964 --> 00:00:26,444 I know that it says in Titus, 8 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:31,256 he would be husband of one wife, 9 00:00:31,256 --> 00:00:33,212 and those various things. 10 00:00:33,212 --> 00:00:35,060 Is it like a requirement? 11 00:00:35,060 --> 00:00:40,501 What are your thoughts on that? 12 00:00:40,501 --> 00:00:43,125 Ryan: Well, since you have two elders, 13 00:00:43,125 --> 00:00:45,302 I'll tell you my thoughts, 14 00:00:45,302 --> 00:00:48,095 and if they need to correct me next week, 15 00:00:48,095 --> 00:00:49,291 they can. 16 00:00:49,291 --> 00:00:56,437 (from the room) We'll just do it tonight. 17 00:00:56,437 --> 00:01:02,646 It's probably more biblical. 18 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:05,683 I take the qualifications in Titus 19 00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:08,641 and 1 Timothy to be speaking 20 00:01:08,641 --> 00:01:10,883 to normative situations. 21 00:01:10,883 --> 00:01:12,610 So to the situations people 22 00:01:12,610 --> 00:01:13,842 are normally in. 23 00:01:13,842 --> 00:01:16,687 So normally, men are married with children. 24 00:01:16,687 --> 00:01:18,745 And when they are married with children, 25 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,857 they ought to be a one-woman-man 26 00:01:20,857 --> 00:01:22,749 and they ought to be good fathers. 27 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,522 And the reason I understand it that way 28 00:01:24,522 --> 00:01:26,805 is because first of all, the Scriptures speak 29 00:01:26,805 --> 00:01:28,108 to normative situations. 30 00:01:28,108 --> 00:01:30,812 We talked about this earlier tonight. 31 00:01:30,812 --> 00:01:32,667 The applications in Ephesians 5 32 00:01:32,667 --> 00:01:34,437 are to husbands and wives, 33 00:01:34,437 --> 00:01:35,836 and to slaves and owners, 34 00:01:35,836 --> 00:01:38,181 and to parents and children 35 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,736 because that's where most people were living. 36 00:01:40,736 --> 00:01:43,508 So, the reason I say that is because 37 00:01:43,508 --> 00:01:45,700 if a man has two children 38 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:48,385 and they die, he is not disqualified 39 00:01:48,385 --> 00:01:50,004 from the pastorate. 40 00:01:50,004 --> 00:01:52,854 If a man has a wife and she dies, 41 00:01:52,854 --> 00:01:55,070 he's no longer a one-woman-man, 42 00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:56,543 in one sense, right? 43 00:01:56,543 --> 00:01:59,674 So I don't think we want to 44 00:01:59,674 --> 00:02:01,087 create a situation where 45 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:02,896 you've got Paul saying singleness 46 00:02:02,896 --> 00:02:05,389 is in some ways better for ministry, 47 00:02:05,389 --> 00:02:08,845 but you can never have a single pastor, 48 00:02:08,845 --> 00:02:10,201 or a situation where - 49 00:02:10,201 --> 00:02:11,546 and I've seen this happen, 50 00:02:11,546 --> 00:02:13,233 where people get so rigid so that 51 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,641 if maybe a man is not able to have children - 52 00:02:15,641 --> 00:02:18,228 well, his children aren't faithful, 53 00:02:18,228 --> 00:02:20,207 so he can't be a minister. 54 00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:25,261 So I would say that generally, 55 00:02:25,261 --> 00:02:26,972 the men who are going to ascend 56 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,001 to the office of overseer, 57 00:02:29,001 --> 00:02:30,358 are going to be married men. 58 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,065 And when they do, they ought to be 59 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:33,420 faithfully married men - 60 00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:34,818 men who are the husband of one wife. 61 00:02:34,818 --> 00:02:36,452 I take that phrase to mean that they're 62 00:02:36,452 --> 00:02:39,044 faithful to their wives. 63 00:02:39,044 --> 00:02:41,693 But I don't think it means that a man 64 00:02:41,693 --> 00:02:43,671 who wants to be a pastor, 65 00:02:43,671 --> 00:02:45,627 better get a wife quick 66 00:02:45,627 --> 00:02:47,835 so that he can get into the ministry. 67 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,839 Or that we could never consider a man without a wife 68 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,056 for the ministry. 69 00:02:54,056 --> 00:02:55,281 Charles? Dick? 70 00:02:55,281 --> 00:02:58,798 We both came to the same conclusion. 71 00:02:58,798 --> 00:03:00,178 Ryan: Oh, that's right. 72 00:03:00,178 --> 00:03:02,156 That would have given me much more comfort 73 00:03:02,156 --> 00:03:03,502 if I'd remembered that. 74 00:03:03,502 --> 00:03:09,869 So that's good. 75 00:03:09,869 --> 00:03:11,563 Does that answer your question? 76 00:03:11,563 --> 00:03:12,960 Ok, good. 77 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,244 Question: 78 00:03:14,244 --> 00:03:17,375 How do the principles of biblical womanhood 79 00:03:17,375 --> 00:03:18,524 that you gave yesterday 80 00:03:18,524 --> 00:03:20,493 apply to single women? 81 00:03:20,493 --> 00:03:27,338 Ryan: Well, I think, first of all, 82 00:03:27,338 --> 00:03:30,667 you'd realize that in creation, 83 00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:33,188 this is what man and woman were made for. 84 00:03:33,188 --> 00:03:34,463 They were made these ways, 85 00:03:34,463 --> 00:03:36,291 but ultimately, what we were made for 86 00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:38,971 doesn't point forward to our marriages. 87 00:03:38,971 --> 00:03:41,885 Ultimately it points toward a relationship in Jesus Christ. 88 00:03:41,885 --> 00:03:43,813 The relationship between Adam and Eve 89 00:03:43,813 --> 00:03:45,914 ultimately points forward to - 90 00:03:45,914 --> 00:03:46,987 not marriage. 91 00:03:46,987 --> 00:03:49,777 Believe it or not, but the married people in this room 92 00:03:49,777 --> 00:03:51,938 are not the fulfillment of Genesis 2. 93 00:03:51,938 --> 00:03:53,767 The fulfillment of Genesis 2 comes 94 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,450 in the Lord Jesus Christ and His church. 95 00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:58,093 That's who that points to. 96 00:03:58,093 --> 00:04:01,362 And so Ephesians 5 says that 97 00:04:01,362 --> 00:04:04,709 therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, 98 00:04:04,709 --> 00:04:07,731 and he shall cleave to his wife 99 00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,701 and the two shall become one flesh. 100 00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:11,717 And he says this is a great mystery. 101 00:04:11,717 --> 00:04:13,701 I am speaking of Christ and the church. 102 00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:15,906 And so in many ways, we can see immediately, 103 00:04:15,906 --> 00:04:17,312 they're not all perfect, 104 00:04:17,312 --> 00:04:20,851 but in terms of being an intimate companion, 105 00:04:20,851 --> 00:04:22,678 a woman can be an intimate companion 106 00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:25,875 to the ultimate Man, the Lord Jesus Christ. 107 00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:27,742 And then on top of that, 108 00:04:27,742 --> 00:04:33,029 in terms of the sexuality stuff 109 00:04:33,029 --> 00:04:36,144 I think changes, in that, the intimacy 110 00:04:36,144 --> 00:04:37,629 that sexuality points to, 111 00:04:37,629 --> 00:04:39,003 we can have with Jesus, 112 00:04:39,003 --> 00:04:41,327 but we're certainly not in any kind of 113 00:04:41,327 --> 00:04:43,745 bizarre relationship with the Lord. 114 00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:45,321 But I think those initial things 115 00:04:45,321 --> 00:04:47,295 of femininity are first of all 116 00:04:47,295 --> 00:04:49,943 in our relationship with the Lord. 117 00:04:49,943 --> 00:04:51,556 But then, here on earth, 118 00:04:51,556 --> 00:04:53,529 I think there are aspects where 119 00:04:53,529 --> 00:04:55,307 women who are maybe not married 120 00:04:55,307 --> 00:04:57,231 could certainly display aspects of that. 121 00:04:57,231 --> 00:04:58,746 So in terms of being a nurturer 122 00:04:58,746 --> 00:05:00,726 or a mother, Paul says 123 00:05:00,726 --> 00:05:03,161 in the end of Romans, he gives greetings 124 00:05:03,161 --> 00:05:05,297 to Rufus' mother, 125 00:05:05,297 --> 00:05:07,829 who is also a mother to me. 126 00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:10,529 So in the church, we're in a company 127 00:05:10,529 --> 00:05:11,643 of mothers and sisters. 128 00:05:11,643 --> 00:05:13,889 So, I think I may have mentioned the other day, 129 00:05:13,889 --> 00:05:16,503 but we have a wonderful woman 130 00:05:16,503 --> 00:05:20,721 at our church, who is quite literally 131 00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,438 a counselor and a mentor 132 00:05:22,438 --> 00:05:24,976 and a mother to so many in the church, 133 00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:27,412 and yet she is married, but she has no children. 134 00:05:27,412 --> 00:05:28,639 So that's one context. 135 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:31,542 And there are single ladies 136 00:05:31,542 --> 00:05:33,125 who are companions - 137 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,701 not intimate companions the same way a wife would be, 138 00:05:35,701 --> 00:05:37,602 but certainly companions in terms of 139 00:05:37,602 --> 00:05:40,421 friendship to brothers in the church. 140 00:05:40,421 --> 00:05:42,217 Not obviously in an isolated way, 141 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:45,100 but loving and encouraging in those ways. 142 00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:47,040 So I think you would take those 143 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:52,304 feminine gifts and really transpose them 144 00:05:52,304 --> 00:05:54,820 into the key of whatever opportunities 145 00:05:54,820 --> 00:05:57,143 in front of you that there are. 146 00:05:57,143 --> 00:05:59,019 So whether that's caring for the sick - 147 00:05:59,019 --> 00:06:01,240 you may not be able to care for your parents, 148 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,792 but you may be able to care for sick in the church. 149 00:06:03,792 --> 00:06:05,800 There may be opportunities to care for brothers, 150 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,222 to be a motherly figure in other people's lives, 151 00:06:08,222 --> 00:06:09,445 to younger children. 152 00:06:09,445 --> 00:06:12,165 So I can't delineate all the different opportunities, 153 00:06:12,165 --> 00:06:14,378 but I think those are some of the ways. 154 00:06:14,378 --> 00:06:16,153 And we see evidence in the Scriptures 155 00:06:16,153 --> 00:06:17,400 that that was happening. 156 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,063 That we're not so boxed in 157 00:06:19,063 --> 00:06:20,408 that if we're not married, 158 00:06:20,408 --> 00:06:22,294 we can't do any of this stuff. 159 00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:23,845 Is that helpful? 160 00:06:23,845 --> 00:06:24,914 Ok, good. 161 00:06:24,914 --> 00:06:26,537 Question: What is your opinion - 162 00:06:26,537 --> 00:06:28,447 I know one of your points 163 00:06:28,447 --> 00:06:31,105 was to seek a spouse 164 00:06:31,105 --> 00:06:34,377 in the context of a biblical community. 165 00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:36,675 What are your thoughts on 166 00:06:36,675 --> 00:06:40,010 long-distance relationships? 167 00:06:40,010 --> 00:06:44,575 What are your thoughts on that? 168 00:06:44,575 --> 00:06:47,555 Ryan: Oh, they're great when they're great. 169 00:06:47,555 --> 00:06:49,540 So what I mean is 170 00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:52,155 all the other things would have to be applied. 171 00:06:52,155 --> 00:06:55,761 So first of all, this is why 172 00:06:55,761 --> 00:06:58,449 you can't make all kinds of rules 173 00:06:58,449 --> 00:06:59,665 that people can't fit. 174 00:06:59,665 --> 00:07:01,013 We see in the New Testament 175 00:07:01,013 --> 00:07:02,382 that life was not stable. 176 00:07:02,382 --> 00:07:03,977 Priscilla and Aquila were married 177 00:07:03,977 --> 00:07:05,885 and I think we find them in five cities 178 00:07:05,885 --> 00:07:07,595 in the course of the New Testament. 179 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,687 Once leaving Rome because of persecution; 180 00:07:09,687 --> 00:07:11,672 once facing persecution together. 181 00:07:11,672 --> 00:07:14,526 Paul said they risked their necks for my sake. 182 00:07:14,526 --> 00:07:16,979 And so life was very transient at times 183 00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:17,987 in the New Testament. 184 00:07:17,987 --> 00:07:19,269 1 Corinthians 7 - 185 00:07:19,269 --> 00:07:21,541 they're under some present distress. 186 00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,440 Which I think really the whole age 187 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,924 is one of difficulty. 188 00:07:24,924 --> 00:07:26,851 So if you've got two people 189 00:07:26,851 --> 00:07:28,419 who are in good churches; 190 00:07:28,419 --> 00:07:31,182 or who if there really is only one good church involved, 191 00:07:31,182 --> 00:07:35,131 that good church is trying to love them and care for them, 192 00:07:35,131 --> 00:07:43,284 you can certainly do a relationship long distance. 193 00:07:43,284 --> 00:07:45,062 We've done pre-marriage counseling 194 00:07:45,062 --> 00:07:46,508 at Immanuel over Skype 195 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,756 because the girl's in Florida 196 00:07:48,756 --> 00:07:51,110 and the guy is in Louisville. 197 00:07:51,110 --> 00:07:54,367 And so I just think you would use wisdom 198 00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,211 to make sure there's godly authority 199 00:07:56,211 --> 00:07:58,018 and counsel involved, 200 00:07:58,018 --> 00:07:59,767 and both the man and the woman 201 00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,834 are getting to know one another. 202 00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:04,725 About four months before I married my wife, 203 00:08:04,725 --> 00:08:06,498 I threatened to leave to another city 204 00:08:06,498 --> 00:08:08,465 because I didn't think I could make it 205 00:08:08,465 --> 00:08:10,724 four more months without being married to her. 206 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:11,659 But, I did. 207 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:19,475 So I think sometimes long distance can be wise. 208 00:08:19,475 --> 00:08:22,679 Does that answer your question? 209 00:08:22,679 --> 00:08:24,566 Maybe just in general, 210 00:08:24,566 --> 00:08:26,959 just lots of flexibility 211 00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:28,520 for mostly following the Spirit 212 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,736 under biblical principles. 213 00:08:31,736 --> 00:08:37,501 Not trying to create perfect circumstances. 214 00:08:37,501 --> 00:08:42,396 Go ahead, sister. 215 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:45,653 Question: I think sometimes it might be easy 216 00:08:45,653 --> 00:08:47,353 for single people - I know for me, 217 00:08:47,353 --> 00:08:49,811 like to just totally cut off the idea of marriage, 218 00:08:49,811 --> 00:08:51,407 and just not even think about it. 219 00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:53,375 Like it's forbidden to even think about. 220 00:08:53,375 --> 00:08:54,967 And so I guess my question is, 221 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,422 what's right, especially for girls 222 00:08:57,422 --> 00:08:59,442 or young women, 223 00:08:59,442 --> 00:09:00,795 with their thought life 224 00:09:00,795 --> 00:09:02,354 and their prayer life 225 00:09:02,354 --> 00:09:04,072 without dwelling too much on it 226 00:09:04,072 --> 00:09:05,691 and holding on to it as an idol? 227 00:09:05,691 --> 00:09:09,113 Ryan: Yeah, that's a great question. 228 00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:12,269 Well, I think Paul's language 229 00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:14,969 that if a person doesn't have this gift of self-control, 230 00:09:14,969 --> 00:09:16,690 they ought to be married. 231 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,800 And then Proverbs 18 232 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,557 would certainly indicate that seeking is ok. 233 00:09:21,557 --> 00:09:23,977 So I think prayers along the lines of 234 00:09:23,977 --> 00:09:25,656 Lord, please give me a spouse, 235 00:09:25,656 --> 00:09:28,014 can be perfectly appropriate. 236 00:09:28,014 --> 00:09:29,393 But sometimes our hearts can 237 00:09:29,393 --> 00:09:31,472 race ahead into discontent. 238 00:09:31,472 --> 00:09:33,713 And so if we know that's the case for us, 239 00:09:33,713 --> 00:09:35,512 I think we would really want to be 240 00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:38,326 first wrestling and saying, Lord, I will be 241 00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:40,453 content with whatever You give me. 242 00:09:40,453 --> 00:09:43,789 I am seeking Christ and to know Him more. 243 00:09:43,789 --> 00:09:48,306 And then just making sure that we're first 244 00:09:48,306 --> 00:09:50,225 asking for contentment in Christ, 245 00:09:50,225 --> 00:09:51,853 and only out of that, then asking, 246 00:09:51,853 --> 00:09:54,421 Lord, would You please give me a spouse? 247 00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,190 But I don't think it would be sinful. 248 00:09:56,190 --> 00:10:00,375 I think you're really going to have to 249 00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:03,890 go through those situations as you see fit. 250 00:10:03,890 --> 00:10:05,589 And what I mean by that is this: 251 00:10:05,589 --> 00:10:07,858 If you find that the thought of marriage 252 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:09,866 just begins to consume your prayer life 253 00:10:09,866 --> 00:10:11,761 to the point where you can't pray 254 00:10:11,761 --> 00:10:14,198 for the nations, or you can't pray 255 00:10:14,198 --> 00:10:15,585 for a brother or sister, 256 00:10:15,585 --> 00:10:17,428 but all you can ever think about is marriage, 257 00:10:17,428 --> 00:10:18,900 you may be at a place where you have to say 258 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,194 Lord, I'm going to leave that one with You. 259 00:10:21,194 --> 00:10:22,802 You have to take care of that one 260 00:10:22,802 --> 00:10:25,705 because I can't seem to handle that 261 00:10:25,705 --> 00:10:27,861 right now without it really overriding 262 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,105 and becoming an idol in my life. 263 00:10:30,105 --> 00:10:32,366 But if the Lord would give you grace to say 264 00:10:32,366 --> 00:10:34,882 Lord, I am content to live and die for You 265 00:10:34,882 --> 00:10:36,470 in any circumstance, but I would 266 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,089 love a spouse. 267 00:10:38,089 --> 00:10:41,217 Your Heavenly Father does not despise 268 00:10:41,217 --> 00:10:43,838 that kind of request and desire 269 00:10:43,838 --> 00:10:45,158 from His children. 270 00:10:45,158 --> 00:10:47,038 The only thing I would just add to that 271 00:10:47,038 --> 00:10:48,688 is the important part though 272 00:10:48,688 --> 00:10:51,088 is to seek Christ and contentment in Christ first, 273 00:10:51,088 --> 00:10:53,175 because one person pointed out, 274 00:10:53,175 --> 00:10:55,674 contented single people 275 00:10:55,674 --> 00:10:58,292 become contented married people. 276 00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,986 And discontented single people 277 00:10:59,986 --> 00:11:02,645 become discontented married people. 278 00:11:02,645 --> 00:11:05,697 Marriage does not change the contentment issue. 279 00:11:05,697 --> 00:11:07,720 It actually exasperates it. 280 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,082 If you enter into marriage discontent, 281 00:11:10,082 --> 00:11:12,618 now there's someone to blame. 282 00:11:12,618 --> 00:11:15,245 Before it was just this vague feeling 283 00:11:15,245 --> 00:11:18,141 of discontent or maybe disgruntlement with God, 284 00:11:18,141 --> 00:11:20,042 but when we have a spouse, 285 00:11:20,042 --> 00:11:21,834 there can really be a sense of which 286 00:11:21,834 --> 00:11:24,397 if you'd change or if you were different 287 00:11:24,397 --> 00:11:25,774 I would be content. 288 00:11:25,774 --> 00:11:28,070 And of course, that's a lie. 289 00:11:28,070 --> 00:11:30,900 Does that get at what you were asking? 290 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,291 Question: One thing, I wondered if you might 291 00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:34,190 comment on it. 292 00:11:34,190 --> 00:11:38,735 It seems like when you say, 293 00:11:38,735 --> 00:11:41,224 like if you don't have self-control, 294 00:11:41,224 --> 00:11:42,672 you should marry. 295 00:11:42,672 --> 00:11:43,973 Some people get the idea, 296 00:11:43,973 --> 00:11:46,895 well, that means that I don't have the self-control; 297 00:11:46,895 --> 00:11:48,347 I'm defeated by lust; 298 00:11:48,347 --> 00:11:51,811 I give in to sin, and I can't help it 299 00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:53,615 because I'm not married. 300 00:11:53,615 --> 00:11:55,384 And maybe a little more on that, 301 00:11:55,384 --> 00:11:57,951 and then also the idea that marriage 302 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:04,198 does not cure lack of self-control 303 00:12:04,198 --> 00:12:05,893 in that sense. 304 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,687 Ryan: Thank you. 305 00:12:07,687 --> 00:12:09,250 So look at 1 Corinthians 7 306 00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:10,671 a little bit more carefully. 307 00:12:10,671 --> 00:12:12,358 I'm glad you asked, because I felt 308 00:12:12,358 --> 00:12:14,086 once I was done with that point 309 00:12:14,086 --> 00:12:15,805 I hadn't made it especially clear. 310 00:12:15,805 --> 00:12:30,738 So, I'm thankful for this. 311 00:12:30,738 --> 00:12:34,753 I find this an extremely nuanced question 312 00:12:34,753 --> 00:12:37,857 to answer and I think it's probably best answered - 313 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:40,416 I will answer it, but I think it's best answered 314 00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:42,789 in personal counsel with individuals 315 00:12:42,789 --> 00:12:45,197 to find out exactly what level they're struggling 316 00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:46,485 or those kinds of things. 317 00:12:46,485 --> 00:12:48,321 So I just maybe preface it with that. 318 00:12:48,321 --> 00:12:50,428 But there's a certain degree of sensitivity 319 00:12:50,428 --> 00:12:52,033 to where exactly a person is at 320 00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:55,654 that would require answering this the best. 321 00:12:55,654 --> 00:12:58,512 But, I think that the first place 322 00:12:58,512 --> 00:12:59,671 we would start is: 323 00:12:59,671 --> 00:13:02,484 there's never an excuse for sin. 324 00:13:02,484 --> 00:13:04,932 There's never a good reason to sin. 325 00:13:04,932 --> 00:13:06,950 So there could never be a sense in which: 326 00:13:06,950 --> 00:13:08,745 Well, I struggle with self-control, 327 00:13:08,745 --> 00:13:10,312 therefore it's ok that I sin 328 00:13:10,312 --> 00:13:12,217 because I'm not married. 329 00:13:12,217 --> 00:13:15,020 But there is also a sense in which 330 00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:16,856 a person can be determined 331 00:13:16,856 --> 00:13:21,678 to live holy and yet the fight against lust 332 00:13:21,678 --> 00:13:24,500 basically consumes them. 333 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:27,626 It takes all day every day to get victory. 334 00:13:27,626 --> 00:13:29,038 And in that case, I would say 335 00:13:29,038 --> 00:13:30,869 that person needs to stay holy, 336 00:13:30,869 --> 00:13:33,070 but they really ought to be pursuing marriage. 337 00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:35,528 Because they have an inordinate difficulty 338 00:13:35,528 --> 00:13:38,766 that marriage would help. 339 00:13:38,766 --> 00:13:41,582 So we're not saying that there's an excuse. 340 00:13:41,582 --> 00:13:43,112 But at the same time, 341 00:13:43,112 --> 00:13:45,234 it does seem to be that there sometimes 342 00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:47,362 can be some degrees of stumbling 343 00:13:47,362 --> 00:13:49,515 that would really encourage marriage. 344 00:13:49,515 --> 00:13:51,536 If they can't exercise self-control, 345 00:13:51,536 --> 00:13:53,007 they should marry. 346 00:13:53,007 --> 00:13:55,522 And then later on, 347 00:13:55,522 --> 00:13:57,374 look at v. 36. 348 00:13:57,374 --> 00:13:59,100 "If anyone thinks that he is not 349 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,613 behaving properly towards his betrothed..." 350 00:14:01,613 --> 00:14:03,365 So there's some degree 351 00:14:03,365 --> 00:14:06,250 of not behaving properly towards his betrothed. 352 00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:08,216 "...if his passions are strong, 353 00:14:08,216 --> 00:14:10,878 and it has to be, let him do as he wishes. 354 00:14:10,878 --> 00:14:12,582 Let him marry; it is no sin." 355 00:14:12,582 --> 00:14:17,522 And this is what I find the most difficult to say. 356 00:14:17,522 --> 00:14:19,705 I think there is a sense in which 357 00:14:19,705 --> 00:14:21,980 marriage should cure lust, 358 00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:23,595 and there isn't a sense in which 359 00:14:23,595 --> 00:14:25,280 marriage should cure lust. 360 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,435 And I think I'm saying that based on the text. 361 00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:32,298 So if he is not treating her properly, 362 00:14:32,298 --> 00:14:34,029 he should get married. 363 00:14:34,029 --> 00:14:36,824 If they have trouble with self-control, they ought to get married. 364 00:14:36,824 --> 00:14:38,936 There does seem to be a sense in which this will help. 365 00:14:38,936 --> 00:14:41,733 And I think 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 366 00:14:41,733 --> 00:14:44,398 does make this abundantly clear. 367 00:14:44,398 --> 00:14:47,440 "Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: 368 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,865 it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman, 369 00:14:49,865 --> 00:14:52,166 but because of the temptation of sexual immorality, 370 00:14:52,166 --> 00:14:54,271 each man should have his own wife, 371 00:14:54,271 --> 00:14:55,870 and each woman her own husband." 372 00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:57,364 So there is a sense in which 373 00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:01,586 temptation to sexual immorality 374 00:15:01,586 --> 00:15:04,028 can be helped greatly 375 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,511 by coming together in marriage. 376 00:15:06,511 --> 00:15:08,166 It's probably important to say, 377 00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:09,876 fighting sexual temptation is never 378 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,652 the only purpose for marriage. 379 00:15:12,652 --> 00:15:14,800 Procreation, godly companionship, 380 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,463 reflecting Christ and the church 381 00:15:16,463 --> 00:15:18,153 are always there, but nonetheless, 382 00:15:18,153 --> 00:15:19,939 in this context, Paul wants to highlight 383 00:15:19,939 --> 00:15:22,003 that there is an element in which 384 00:15:22,003 --> 00:15:24,019 a marriage will help in the fight 385 00:15:24,019 --> 00:15:24,968 against lust. 386 00:15:24,968 --> 00:15:26,726 "A husband should give to his wife 387 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,141 her conjugal rights; 388 00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:31,005 and likewise, the wife should give to her husband." 389 00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:33,216 So there should be a regular coming together 390 00:15:33,216 --> 00:15:35,989 of them giving each other to each other. 391 00:15:35,989 --> 00:15:37,938 "For the wife does not have authority 392 00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:40,421 over her own body, but the husband does. 393 00:15:40,421 --> 00:15:42,168 Likewise, the husband does not have 394 00:15:42,168 --> 00:15:43,640 authority over his own body, 395 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,812 but the wife does. 396 00:15:44,812 --> 00:15:46,756 Do not deprive one another, 397 00:15:46,756 --> 00:15:49,883 except by agreement for a limited time 398 00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:52,417 that you may devote yourselves to prayer. 399 00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:54,746 But then come together again, 400 00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,660 so that Satan may not tempt you 401 00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:58,178 for your lack of self-control." 402 00:15:58,178 --> 00:15:59,368 So there is a sense which 403 00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:01,551 if they keep coming together, 404 00:16:01,551 --> 00:16:03,263 there is greater hope that they will 405 00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,080 overcome temptation. 406 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,102 If they don't keep coming together, 407 00:16:07,102 --> 00:16:09,361 Satan will tempt them and take them down. 408 00:16:09,361 --> 00:16:12,084 I think this is verified by Proverbs 5. 409 00:16:12,084 --> 00:16:14,543 If you look at Proverbs 5, 410 00:16:14,543 --> 00:16:16,874 you get a very similar theme 411 00:16:16,874 --> 00:16:19,785 that the intoxication of sexual joy 412 00:16:19,785 --> 00:16:24,039 in marriage is a help to overcoming 413 00:16:24,039 --> 00:16:28,144 sinful sexual desires outside of marriage. 414 00:16:28,144 --> 00:16:32,250 So, Proverbs 5. 415 00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:35,064 Notice the word "intoxicated." 416 00:16:35,064 --> 00:16:37,500 We'll start in v. 18. 417 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,512 "Let your fountain..." That's, of course, your wife. 418 00:16:40,512 --> 00:16:42,059 "Let your fountain be blessed, 419 00:16:42,059 --> 00:16:44,049 and rejoice in the wife of your youth. 420 00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:45,850 A lovely deer, a graceful doe, 421 00:16:45,850 --> 00:16:48,497 let her breasts fill you at all times with delight. 422 00:16:48,497 --> 00:16:51,400 Be intoxicated always in her love. 423 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,083 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, 424 00:16:54,083 --> 00:16:55,986 with a forbidden woman?" 425 00:16:55,986 --> 00:16:57,531 And so there's two intoxications 426 00:16:57,531 --> 00:16:59,111 being held out in front of us. 427 00:16:59,111 --> 00:17:01,303 One: stay intoxicated with your wife. 428 00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:07,406 Two: don't be intoxicated with a forbidden woman. 429 00:17:07,406 --> 00:17:11,043 I do think there's a sense in which 430 00:17:11,043 --> 00:17:13,252 a person with - and this is 431 00:17:13,252 --> 00:17:14,550 a hard distinction to make, 432 00:17:14,550 --> 00:17:16,957 and this is where I really think you need personal counsel; 433 00:17:16,957 --> 00:17:18,543 but I do think there's a sense in which 434 00:17:18,543 --> 00:17:20,873 people with normal sexual temptations 435 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,353 who will occasionally stumble, 436 00:17:23,353 --> 00:17:26,652 will be helped greatly by marriage. 437 00:17:26,652 --> 00:17:28,309 A guy who is trying to be holy, 438 00:17:28,309 --> 00:17:30,759 but oh man, last month he fell. 439 00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:32,754 I don't think that guy should be told, 440 00:17:32,754 --> 00:17:34,695 oh marriage won't help you at all. 441 00:17:34,695 --> 00:17:36,774 I think the thrust of these passages 442 00:17:36,774 --> 00:17:38,038 is that it will help you. 443 00:17:38,038 --> 00:17:40,381 It will help you to fight temptation 444 00:17:40,381 --> 00:17:42,071 if you come together regularly. 445 00:17:42,071 --> 00:17:44,020 Now at the same time, you get some guys 446 00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:45,049 as one person put it, 447 00:17:45,049 --> 00:17:47,712 that they simply have developed a woman-hating mentality, 448 00:17:47,712 --> 00:17:50,195 they are consumed with pornography, 449 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,090 they are absolutely in bondage to it, 450 00:17:52,090 --> 00:17:53,525 and the last thing they should think 451 00:17:53,525 --> 00:17:56,075 is that getting married is going to make that better. 452 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,466 That is not going to happen. 453 00:17:58,466 --> 00:18:00,616 A bondage is not going to 454 00:18:00,616 --> 00:18:02,373 all of a sudden be broken 455 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,242 through a marriage. 456 00:18:04,242 --> 00:18:06,253 But, I do think there's enough in the text 457 00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:09,138 to say that some of the difficulties that come 458 00:18:09,138 --> 00:18:13,714 with living in a fallen world, 459 00:18:13,714 --> 00:18:15,761 will be greatly helped 460 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,494 by being in marriage. 461 00:18:17,494 --> 00:18:21,658 I counsel people regularly - 462 00:18:21,658 --> 00:18:24,656 we'll take the example of a husband, 463 00:18:24,656 --> 00:18:26,471 though it can happen both ways - 464 00:18:26,471 --> 00:18:29,382 a husband ought to fight the billboards, 465 00:18:29,382 --> 00:18:30,924 the commercials, 466 00:18:30,924 --> 00:18:32,172 the allurements, 467 00:18:32,172 --> 00:18:35,491 the shops, the Internet pop-ups; 468 00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:37,528 they ought to fight that all day, 469 00:18:37,528 --> 00:18:39,751 but one of the ways they ought to fight that 470 00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:41,903 is by coming home and saying to their bride, 471 00:18:41,903 --> 00:18:43,647 I have fought sexual temptation. 472 00:18:43,647 --> 00:18:47,006 The only person I will be with is you. 473 00:18:47,006 --> 00:18:49,890 I refuse to be intoxicated anywhere else but with you. 474 00:18:49,890 --> 00:18:52,709 But we cannot not come together, 475 00:18:52,709 --> 00:18:54,800 because if we do, we're risking 476 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,208 Satanic temptation overcoming us 477 00:18:58,208 --> 00:18:59,204 in our lives. 478 00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:01,386 That seems to be to get some of 479 00:19:01,386 --> 00:19:03,520 the balances in the text. 480 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:08,739 So, having the struggle - just to sum up - 481 00:19:08,739 --> 00:19:12,009 with self-control and not being married, 482 00:19:12,009 --> 00:19:14,370 doesn't excuse you and let you be into sin, 483 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,325 but it does point you in the direction 484 00:19:16,325 --> 00:19:18,673 you ought to pursue marriage to help this. 485 00:19:18,673 --> 00:19:20,049 And then we should expect, 486 00:19:20,049 --> 00:19:21,982 based on the Word of God in 1 Cor 7 487 00:19:21,982 --> 00:19:24,629 and Prov 5 that it actually will be a help. 488 00:19:24,629 --> 00:19:26,647 But, we ought not to think that it will 489 00:19:26,647 --> 00:19:28,124 be a cure all. 490 00:19:28,124 --> 00:19:31,256 As if a marriage will all of a sudden 491 00:19:31,256 --> 00:19:32,408 make everything perfect, 492 00:19:32,408 --> 00:19:34,220 and especially in the case of someone 493 00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:35,466 with this deep bondage. 494 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,706 We ought not to expect marriage to help at all. 495 00:19:37,706 --> 00:19:43,344 Because that person is really in the grip of sin. 496 00:19:43,344 --> 00:19:45,536 Do you want to add anything to that? 497 00:19:45,536 --> 00:19:47,423 Charles: Just going along with that, 498 00:19:47,423 --> 00:19:49,432 we see the general principle 499 00:19:49,432 --> 00:19:51,620 like in Roman Catholicism 500 00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:53,352 where you had monks and nuns. 501 00:19:53,352 --> 00:19:55,913 That's a denial of the way God created man 502 00:19:55,913 --> 00:19:58,307 and it leads to further immorality. 503 00:19:58,307 --> 00:20:02,105 So you can see clearly that 504 00:20:02,105 --> 00:20:07,717 there's a general principle involved there. 505 00:20:07,717 --> 00:20:09,515 Question: As parents of teenagers, 506 00:20:09,515 --> 00:20:11,130 my husband and I often pray 507 00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:12,880 for God's will to be revealed 508 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,329 to both our children 509 00:20:14,329 --> 00:20:15,604 as well as ourselves. 510 00:20:15,604 --> 00:20:21,110 But, I wondered if you could speak to matchmaking. 511 00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:23,668 It's sometimes awkward if 512 00:20:23,668 --> 00:20:26,015 there's a parental relationship 513 00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:29,417 and you realize there's ulterior motives there; 514 00:20:29,417 --> 00:20:31,723 even with young children sometimes, 515 00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:34,014 we've run into people saying, 516 00:20:34,014 --> 00:20:36,437 well, someday, I want our children 517 00:20:36,437 --> 00:20:37,870 to get together. 518 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,242 And when you're praying for God's will, 519 00:20:41,242 --> 00:20:43,894 what would be a godly response 520 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,778 when people are trying to match-make 521 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,499 and they don't seem to be concerned 522 00:20:47,499 --> 00:20:50,655 about God's will, but more about their will? 523 00:20:50,655 --> 00:20:51,776 Ryan: Right. 524 00:20:51,776 --> 00:20:54,097 Well, you said one thing at the start of your question 525 00:20:54,097 --> 00:20:55,464 I want to respond to too. 526 00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:57,546 One of the things I would encourage parents to do 527 00:20:57,546 --> 00:20:59,519 is not just pray that their kids have 528 00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:01,562 a godly spouse, 529 00:21:01,562 --> 00:21:03,270 but to pray that many children 530 00:21:03,270 --> 00:21:05,860 will have the gift of self-control 531 00:21:05,860 --> 00:21:07,460 for singleness. 532 00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:10,813 Because Paul wanted more of those. 533 00:21:10,813 --> 00:21:12,861 And I preached these sermons at Immanuel 534 00:21:12,861 --> 00:21:14,647 and one of the guys walked up to me 535 00:21:14,647 --> 00:21:16,939 and said my dad - that's all he prays for me 536 00:21:16,939 --> 00:21:18,261 is that I get a spouse. 537 00:21:18,261 --> 00:21:21,025 And that doesn't seem to quite get the balance. 538 00:21:21,025 --> 00:21:23,090 So I think the prayer ought to be more like, 539 00:21:23,090 --> 00:21:25,274 Lord, if you've given them the gift of self-control, 540 00:21:25,274 --> 00:21:27,259 help them to use it to the glory of God. 541 00:21:27,259 --> 00:21:28,952 And if they're going to be married, 542 00:21:28,952 --> 00:21:34,331 give them a godly spouse. 543 00:21:34,331 --> 00:21:36,614 It's hard to rule out matchmaking 544 00:21:36,614 --> 00:21:38,750 as inherently sinful. 545 00:21:38,750 --> 00:21:40,986 There are arranged marriages in the Scriptures. 546 00:21:40,986 --> 00:21:42,587 And there are multiple cultures 547 00:21:42,587 --> 00:21:45,284 where arranged marriages work. 548 00:21:45,284 --> 00:21:48,402 And I know they're foreign to North America, 549 00:21:48,402 --> 00:21:50,854 but I think it's hard to call them sinful. 550 00:21:50,854 --> 00:21:53,335 But they aren't sport. 551 00:21:53,335 --> 00:21:55,294 You know, they aren't entertainment, 552 00:21:55,294 --> 00:21:59,093 where I pair my 3 year old with your 3 year old just for fun. 553 00:21:59,093 --> 00:22:00,431 And so I think in that case, 554 00:22:00,431 --> 00:22:03,586 there really would need to be a concern 555 00:22:03,586 --> 00:22:05,890 for the good of the child. 556 00:22:05,890 --> 00:22:08,460 I think I've married people every which way 557 00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:09,580 you can get married. 558 00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:12,338 I've married people when they should have been married a lot earlier. 559 00:22:12,338 --> 00:22:14,038 I've married people when they were dating. 560 00:22:14,038 --> 00:22:15,381 I've married people when they'd courted. 561 00:22:15,381 --> 00:22:16,697 And I've married people when they were 562 00:22:16,697 --> 00:22:18,363 betrothed to one another by their parents. 563 00:22:18,363 --> 00:22:19,895 I've seen all of those happen. 564 00:22:19,895 --> 00:22:23,447 And fortunately, in the situation of betrothal, 565 00:22:23,447 --> 00:22:25,788 which was a lot like an arranged marriage, 566 00:22:25,788 --> 00:22:27,379 the parents were deeply concerned 567 00:22:27,379 --> 00:22:28,993 with the character of their kids; 568 00:22:28,993 --> 00:22:31,233 with the kind of personality their kids had, 569 00:22:31,233 --> 00:22:33,227 with the compatibility of their children, 570 00:22:33,227 --> 00:22:35,984 and when the parents presented the children 571 00:22:35,984 --> 00:22:39,103 and talked to the children about the possibility of marrying each other, 572 00:22:39,103 --> 00:22:40,785 those kids were just thrilled 573 00:22:40,785 --> 00:22:42,103 with their parents' choice. 574 00:22:42,103 --> 00:22:45,721 So not really something I'm familiar with 575 00:22:45,721 --> 00:22:47,029 or plan to practice, 576 00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:48,643 but not something that you can 577 00:22:48,643 --> 00:22:50,901 outlaw biblically or culturally 578 00:22:50,901 --> 00:22:52,586 in some cultures. 579 00:22:52,586 --> 00:22:56,389 But none of this is sport. 580 00:22:56,389 --> 00:22:59,036 Dating that's like sport is foolish. 581 00:22:59,036 --> 00:23:00,800 And parents playing around with 582 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,947 their children's choices like it's sport 583 00:23:02,947 --> 00:23:06,668 is just pure folly as well. 584 00:23:06,668 --> 00:23:08,919 Does that answer your question? 585 00:23:08,919 --> 00:23:10,558 Question: You spoke a lot about 586 00:23:10,558 --> 00:23:13,794 the role of a father in a single woman's life, 587 00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:15,582 and like how he should protect her. 588 00:23:15,582 --> 00:23:19,161 What if, like me, the only father 589 00:23:19,161 --> 00:23:20,517 she knows is God. 590 00:23:20,517 --> 00:23:22,820 And I mean, obviously, He helps her a lot, 591 00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,672 but she doesn't have an earthly father 592 00:23:24,672 --> 00:23:26,862 to whom she can look. 593 00:23:26,862 --> 00:23:31,320 Ryan: Well, that's why I tried to make the point 594 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,202 rather than: you should seek to be married 595 00:23:34,202 --> 00:23:35,888 in the context of your parents; 596 00:23:35,888 --> 00:23:37,645 I tried to say you should seek to be 597 00:23:37,645 --> 00:23:39,820 married in the context of parents, 598 00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:43,156 pastors, friends, and godly community. 599 00:23:43,156 --> 00:23:46,929 Jesus one time was told 600 00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:49,115 that His mother and brothers were outside 601 00:23:49,115 --> 00:23:51,600 and He said these are My mothers and brothers. 602 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,690 You know, My disciples are My real family. 603 00:23:54,690 --> 00:23:56,750 And when we leave father and mother 604 00:23:56,750 --> 00:23:58,918 and brother and sister for the Lord, 605 00:23:58,918 --> 00:24:00,672 we receive a hundredfold mother 606 00:24:00,672 --> 00:24:02,378 and brother and sister 607 00:24:02,378 --> 00:24:05,509 and persecutions with eternal life. 608 00:24:05,509 --> 00:24:08,004 So, really our ultimate family 609 00:24:08,004 --> 00:24:11,756 is the family of God. 610 00:24:11,756 --> 00:24:14,393 So, I think, one, you would rely 611 00:24:14,393 --> 00:24:17,524 directly on your Heavenly Father in prayer, 612 00:24:17,524 --> 00:24:19,566 but your Heavenly Father has told you 613 00:24:19,566 --> 00:24:21,407 that in an abundance of counselors 614 00:24:21,407 --> 00:24:22,822 there is wisdom. 615 00:24:22,822 --> 00:24:24,454 And in an abundance of counselors 616 00:24:24,454 --> 00:24:25,813 there is safety. 617 00:24:25,813 --> 00:24:28,578 And so you would want to be seeking out 618 00:24:28,578 --> 00:24:30,746 godly men and women in the church; 619 00:24:30,746 --> 00:24:32,714 older women are to teach younger women 620 00:24:32,714 --> 00:24:34,456 to do what is good. 621 00:24:34,456 --> 00:24:36,554 So you want to be seeking out older women 622 00:24:36,554 --> 00:24:38,903 in the church to be a guide and a mother to you. 623 00:24:38,903 --> 00:24:40,748 And you want to be seeking out 624 00:24:40,748 --> 00:24:42,444 godly small group leaders 625 00:24:42,444 --> 00:24:45,139 or oaks of righteousness in the church 626 00:24:45,139 --> 00:24:46,797 or pastors in the church 627 00:24:46,797 --> 00:24:48,658 to really counsel you and mentor you 628 00:24:48,658 --> 00:24:50,962 and help you make those kind of decisions. 629 00:24:50,962 --> 00:24:54,241 And in those things, we're promised two things proverbially: 630 00:24:54,241 --> 00:24:56,661 In the abundance of counselors, there's safety. 631 00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:59,190 And in an abundance of counselors, there's victory. 632 00:24:59,190 --> 00:25:04,995 So I think those don't replace your Heavenly Father, 633 00:25:04,995 --> 00:25:08,209 those are the gift of your Heavenly Father to you 634 00:25:08,209 --> 00:25:12,822 to guide you through the difficulties of life. 635 00:25:12,822 --> 00:25:16,129 Does that answer your question? 636 00:25:16,129 --> 00:25:19,709 Question: Ryan, Proverbs 18 talks about 637 00:25:19,709 --> 00:25:23,553 he who finds a wife, finds a good thing. 638 00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:26,290 What is the female version of that? 639 00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:29,022 How do you see that? 640 00:25:29,022 --> 00:25:30,710 Ryan: Right. 641 00:25:30,710 --> 00:25:32,834 I do think it's right. 642 00:25:32,834 --> 00:25:34,548 This is an area where we don't have 643 00:25:34,548 --> 00:25:36,329 explicit biblical teaching, 644 00:25:36,329 --> 00:25:38,328 but it does seem to me that the pattern 645 00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:40,365 of a man leading in marriage 646 00:25:40,365 --> 00:25:43,471 would call for a man initiating the relationships 647 00:25:43,471 --> 00:25:45,446 leading up to marriage. 648 00:25:45,446 --> 00:25:48,013 So to be honest, I'm just inferring that. 649 00:25:48,013 --> 00:25:49,510 But it seems to make sense. 650 00:25:49,510 --> 00:25:51,529 It seems to be difficult to imagine - 651 00:25:51,529 --> 00:25:52,634 Ruth excepted - 652 00:25:52,634 --> 00:25:56,129 that a woman would lead 653 00:25:56,129 --> 00:25:57,866 in the dating and the courtship, 654 00:25:57,866 --> 00:26:00,335 and then all of a sudden, the day they got married, 655 00:26:00,335 --> 00:26:02,008 they'd switch roles. 656 00:26:02,008 --> 00:26:04,739 And so I think it's wise for men to lead. 657 00:26:04,739 --> 00:26:07,221 Now, having said that, 658 00:26:07,221 --> 00:26:09,617 what is the place of a woman? 659 00:26:09,617 --> 00:26:12,471 Well, I think, first of all, 660 00:26:12,471 --> 00:26:16,005 it's no sin for a woman to put herself 661 00:26:16,005 --> 00:26:21,310 in the places where she's most likely to get married. 662 00:26:21,310 --> 00:26:23,305 We were actually counseling with 663 00:26:23,305 --> 00:26:25,774 a young lady at our church recently, 664 00:26:25,774 --> 00:26:27,392 and she said well, I couldn't go 665 00:26:27,392 --> 00:26:29,220 to the singles' hymn sing 666 00:26:29,220 --> 00:26:30,809 because I was babysitting. 667 00:26:30,809 --> 00:26:34,137 And I said, well, you could cancel babysitting occasionally 668 00:26:34,137 --> 00:26:35,850 and go to the singles' hymn sing. 669 00:26:35,850 --> 00:26:37,404 I mean, you could make sure 670 00:26:37,404 --> 00:26:38,768 you're in those places 671 00:26:38,768 --> 00:26:40,498 where you're most likely to meet 672 00:26:40,498 --> 00:26:41,695 a man or a woman. 673 00:26:41,695 --> 00:26:43,563 And if you're never putting yourself 674 00:26:43,563 --> 00:26:45,152 in those situations and wondering 675 00:26:45,152 --> 00:26:48,013 why God never brings anyone into your path - 676 00:26:48,013 --> 00:26:50,337 yes, God can get you wherever you are, 677 00:26:50,337 --> 00:26:51,811 but there is a course of wisdom 678 00:26:51,811 --> 00:26:53,945 that might say go and be with the singles 679 00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:55,471 and go and be with those who 680 00:26:55,471 --> 00:26:56,579 might also be married. 681 00:26:56,579 --> 00:26:57,766 So I think that's wise. 682 00:26:57,766 --> 00:26:59,246 I personally don't see any sin 683 00:26:59,246 --> 00:27:02,806 in a woman telling godly men and women 684 00:27:02,806 --> 00:27:04,524 in her life - older men and women - 685 00:27:04,524 --> 00:27:07,463 that she's interested in being married. 686 00:27:07,463 --> 00:27:10,941 I've seen situations where a woman 687 00:27:10,941 --> 00:27:12,421 might tell a godly older couple 688 00:27:12,421 --> 00:27:14,199 that she's interested in being married, 689 00:27:14,199 --> 00:27:16,640 if there's someone they want to introduce her to, 690 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:18,354 that she would be open to that. 691 00:27:18,354 --> 00:27:19,974 I think it's a lot different than the sort of 692 00:27:19,974 --> 00:27:21,180 grade six version where you're just 693 00:27:21,180 --> 00:27:24,566 whispering about the fact that you want to be dating somebody. 694 00:27:24,566 --> 00:27:28,299 It's more a matter of just letting 695 00:27:28,299 --> 00:27:30,979 those who are godly over you know 696 00:27:30,979 --> 00:27:33,455 that you would love to be married. 697 00:27:33,455 --> 00:27:35,509 So I think there can be wisdom 698 00:27:35,509 --> 00:27:37,212 in making yourself available. 699 00:27:37,212 --> 00:27:41,242 I also think you're most likely to meet 700 00:27:41,242 --> 00:27:45,627 the right kind of guys in discipleship. 701 00:27:45,627 --> 00:27:48,718 When a person loves the gathering of the saints together; 702 00:27:48,718 --> 00:27:50,636 when they love the study of God's Word; 703 00:27:50,636 --> 00:27:53,472 and they love the service of God's people. 704 00:27:53,472 --> 00:27:56,390 You'll be meeting the best kinds of men 705 00:27:56,390 --> 00:27:58,123 in that kind of context. 706 00:27:58,123 --> 00:28:01,364 And men ought to be attracted to the girls 707 00:28:01,364 --> 00:28:03,986 who show up at those things. 708 00:28:03,986 --> 00:28:05,558 If you're sitting there going 709 00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:07,918 well, there's the Bible study girls, 710 00:28:07,918 --> 00:28:09,731 but I want... Those are the girls! 711 00:28:09,731 --> 00:28:11,186 Those are the girls you want 712 00:28:11,186 --> 00:28:15,053 are the ones who love the Word of God. 713 00:28:15,053 --> 00:28:17,848 I got to know my wife a little bit from afar 714 00:28:17,848 --> 00:28:20,127 before I married her, 715 00:28:20,127 --> 00:28:22,197 but one of the things she was notorious for 716 00:28:22,197 --> 00:28:24,040 was I knew she was up in the girls' dorm 717 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,539 memorizing the book of James, 718 00:28:25,539 --> 00:28:27,300 and I heard that whenever she counseled anyone, 719 00:28:27,300 --> 00:28:29,563 she used the Bible. 720 00:28:29,563 --> 00:28:31,430 That's the one for me. 721 00:28:31,430 --> 00:28:33,298 That sounds great. 722 00:28:33,298 --> 00:28:38,489 I think just going hard after Jesus 723 00:28:38,489 --> 00:28:40,163 in every area is the place - 724 00:28:40,163 --> 00:28:42,371 first of all, it's just the best place for you 725 00:28:42,371 --> 00:28:44,737 if you stay single for 50 years. 726 00:28:44,737 --> 00:28:48,641 But it's also the best place to meet the best people. 727 00:28:48,641 --> 00:28:50,939 Does that answer your question? 728 00:28:50,939 --> 00:28:52,561 Questioner: Yeah, that's good. 729 00:28:52,561 --> 00:28:55,270 I just wondered on the proactivity 730 00:28:55,270 --> 00:29:04,634 of the woman. 731 00:29:04,634 --> 00:29:07,902 Ryan: Probably primarily putting herself in the right places 732 00:29:07,902 --> 00:29:09,022 as much as possible 733 00:29:09,022 --> 00:29:10,103 trusting the Lord. 734 00:29:10,103 --> 00:29:11,929 Question: You may have run into this, 735 00:29:11,929 --> 00:29:16,163 but just over the past several years, I guess, 736 00:29:16,163 --> 00:29:22,366 I've seen Christians who have met 737 00:29:22,366 --> 00:29:25,411 their spouses online. 738 00:29:25,411 --> 00:29:27,266 Do you have any thoughts on 739 00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:32,151 those types of situations? 740 00:29:32,151 --> 00:29:36,469 Ryan: I don't think it's inherently sinful. 741 00:29:36,469 --> 00:29:38,764 I would be hard pressed to rule it out, 742 00:29:38,764 --> 00:29:40,612 but I would be very eager to know 743 00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:42,819 that the whole process was done 744 00:29:42,819 --> 00:29:44,783 seeking godly counsel, 745 00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:48,085 and then, that if there was any contact, 746 00:29:48,085 --> 00:29:50,927 then there was plenty of personal knowledge 747 00:29:50,927 --> 00:29:52,869 from parents and pastors 748 00:29:52,869 --> 00:29:55,654 and counselors. 749 00:29:55,654 --> 00:29:57,740 So, I think it's sort of like the one, 750 00:29:57,740 --> 00:29:59,165 like if it's long distance - 751 00:29:59,165 --> 00:30:00,865 there may be different situations 752 00:30:00,865 --> 00:30:01,827 that are different, 753 00:30:01,827 --> 00:30:03,711 but once the differences are assessed, 754 00:30:03,711 --> 00:30:05,335 then let's get these things under 755 00:30:05,335 --> 00:30:06,668 the means of grace. 756 00:30:06,668 --> 00:30:08,155 Let's get these things analyzed 757 00:30:08,155 --> 00:30:11,772 by the means of grace. 758 00:30:11,772 --> 00:30:15,754 So, I would say, not my preference. 759 00:30:15,754 --> 00:30:18,224 But if I'm honest, I've seen it happen twice 760 00:30:18,224 --> 00:30:19,712 and it worked both times. 761 00:30:19,712 --> 00:30:22,627 So, it's hard to say never 762 00:30:22,627 --> 00:30:24,605 and strictly forbidden. 763 00:30:24,605 --> 00:30:26,812 But I would want that guy, 764 00:30:26,812 --> 00:30:28,794 once he's identified on the computer, 765 00:30:28,794 --> 00:30:31,446 I'd want him in my living room really quick 766 00:30:31,446 --> 00:30:36,615 for a good, thorough talking to. 767 00:30:36,615 --> 00:30:38,439 And to really begin to do 768 00:30:38,439 --> 00:30:40,008 a biblical assessment process 769 00:30:40,008 --> 00:30:57,054 at that point. 770 00:30:57,054 --> 00:30:59,536 See you tomorrow, Lord willing.